Words From the Wise

There is so much I want to write but my fingers and thoughts would not be able to keep up with one another.

I am sick very with multiple infections throughout my body that have no relation to Dara. They are literally killing me. I sleep from 12 to 20 hours a day. I get up at 7:30 to rear my son to school, sleep the day away until about 3:00pm to get him from school. From then I either take him to the designated sitter for that day, get him settled, head on off to work for a few hours, or have the day off and let him go out find friends and play. Guide him through the homework, dinner, bath then we usually both head off to bed. I sleep all night, wake at 7:30, get him to school, back to bed... leaving little time very for much else. The time I am awake drained very tired, exhausted. Body aches sometimes with fever, shakes, chills, all fun and dandy! If I push myself the body aches grow out of control, I get lost at work, and things just don't work the way I want them to. I crave sleep - to no end.

I ran into an old friend who would prefer not to be named in this. He shared his grave concern about my anger toward this situation, that I should just forget about it. For me it is like an enormous static charge - charged in my body deeper than my infection and is unable to discharge. I want to forget about it. I want to leave it behind. This is helping me out. Being drowned in this mess I'm unable to identify the points at what I am so enraged about. This helps me separate all the various points, face them, rationalise them, try to move past them. While it also helps me communicate with others what happened - this is important to me and here is why:

When this whole mess opened, she would use her grandmother, co workers, friends to back how crazy I was to think she would do this. Pushing my insanity when in reality she was sleeping around with initially a small group of men opened the deepest of frustrations because when she was with me, I would believe her. She had that influence on both my son and myself and took full advantage of it. This was crueler than bringing the men in my house as far as I'm concerned.

Now over the months she has developed a new reputation within the locals - this is clear to many now that I was not a nut. Relieving that cloud of confusion and am I crazy. I wanted to believe her, even if it meant I was crazy at the time. I really really really did. Now I can be heard, believed, face the issue, put it behind, move forward.

He told me I needed to set a focus, something to work towards. If we are able to get this infection to clear, allowing more time on my hands I'm going to jump for it! Till then I feel like I'm imprisoned by aches, illness, and sleep... sleep... sleep.... I have been waiting for the opportunity to post this, and much many. I want this, I want it bad just as much as I crave the sleep my body calls for.

With this post, a major weight has rolled off my chest.

A part of me wants to post the good things about her, the good things about us. Reflecting on them though, weighing in the things she has done... not exercising her freedom to leave but the vengeful spite she spit... were the good things just an illusion? Was I just a love sick crazy man who fell for this girl, but to her she was with just some other person that can be spit on, kicked, ok?

My heart says there was some illusion, but the good times were still good. Feedback on this issue will help very!

Je t'aime idiot