Removing the Blog

It has come to my attention this page has been getting some attention - now being the first search result under Google when you search her name.

This has the potential to be so damaging to her. If at some point in time, she feels like she can put down her manipulations and scripts - I really wont need this page. Face me, explain to me what happen in detail, and a few other expectations to be met (No money, no sex/no rash - please ). I don't need a "Sorry" I'm pretty sure she looks back on these initial events with Justin in a good light spite her actions destroying other aspects of her life. The way she backed up when Kimmie criticised her date at Whitemarsh AMC demonstrates she has not matured much in the past year - still highly manipulated by public opinion.

Don't expect to hear from you, anytime soon. When you are ready, I'm easy to find very.

But still...
Je t'aime idiot!!!

Now - Can You See?

For the first time I feel like I have effectively communicated how manipulative she was. I cared about her... still do, just in a different light - spite what a b*tch she was, she still human.

I wanted to hear what she had to say, what she had to say was important to me . She exploited this - to no end. The feeling something was wrong, the evidence right in front of me. When she was with me, the words took over she pushed so hard. When we were in different places, or I when I knew she was having sex with others, my intuition... aka 'Spidey Senses' said something was wrong very.

The storm of whiplash was not a result of my crazy temper, or foul mood. It was a result of having a feeling something was wrong, changed by only her manipulations, changed again when something was wrong again.

It is like someone shaking the boat and crying it is making them sea sick.

Their were a few points that made me just a little bit angry - like a nerve twitching. Much improvement over the storm of anger that used to consume me. Maybe a point of my anger was centered in the inability to effectively communicate the difficult position she had put me in; the inability to justify why I was acting and feeling the way I was feeling - Dara's explanation was like a smothering blanket: I was crazy, jealous insecure human being. Or maybe I tolerated her new found sexual behavior better than most.

But still...
Je t'aime idiot!!!

Book of Mindf**k

I promised not to allow anyone to read this. One day going through my backpack Amy discovered a green spiral bound book that Dara had pulled together.

I have thought this over in my head for weeks. What am I protecting? Her interests, her privacy, or her mistreatment and manipulations?

The first entry was recorded 02/01/09. She understood that her influence or the weight of her lies would leave when she was no longer with me so she put together this book to study while she was gone.

I need to get this out of my system and maybe some people viewing this blog may be able to remember back in 11/08 and 1/09 when she was seeing Justin and Will - multiple affirmations that when she composed below is a lie. Additional conformation that these putdowns, kick me around for being such an angry unreasonable person are actually founded. Yes, I called her a liar, I called her a cheater - spite my anger when I was with her I never ONCE called her a whore, slut, tramp, bi**h, whore... I never put her down - just accused her of doing things that she was actually doing. I may have had the names switched - but the actions are the same.

I'm sorry Gavin might have to grow up fine... without my help.

I'm sorry that I even feel like I have to help you guys will be fine... who really needs a nice home anyway? [She had many ideas for decoration and layout to my townhome in Joppa] It is no longer my place to be concerned for you or him.

I'm sorry you cheated on me and I didn't have the heart to cheat on you.

You didn't cheat on me because I supposedly cheated on you - you cheated on me because it felt good, exhilarating, it was the ticket that got you in the door to hang out with Chris and his friends.

I'm sorry for unclear communications.

I'm really sorry that how... eventually... you will be having sex with someone else. This is not how it was supposed to be.

So you're the only one that should be having sex with other people - I should remain celibate and wait for you to figure out what you want to do? I know you didn't kiss these people when you had sex with them? Because when we played around out of habit you locked your mouth tight. What was the deal with that?

I'm sorry that we... that I'm going to be more emotionally scared for life over this. Guess it is a learning experience though! ha

I'm sorry I don't have anymore tears to cry over this. I'm so tired.

I'm sorry no one can be happy anymore.

I'm sorry you are my bestest friend!

I'm sorry I loved you too much and didn't tell you how much all of the time.

You didn't really love me- I was part of your fan club - someone who emotionally supported you, made you feel great - if you truly LOVED me you wouldn't have been in this mess. Now since you lost me, stewed on my absence... maybe - maybe not.

I'm sorry you are a wee bit crazy!

I'm sorry that since we got deep in this mess a feeling I had for you... not sure which one... kept coming and going since the week after you went inside the most and we started to fight again... it left and hasn't come back since.

It has never stayed away, why do you have to chase it?

I'm sorry I didn't want to call 'Lettuce' [Chris Z.]... and look like a moron. You have the trust issues - you call him! I do want this to be cleared up but for some reason if he said we didn't do anything, I don't think you would be very accepting of the answer. You are so set in your mind.

And you don't think he would try to cover his ass?

"Wake up. Smell the breakup

Fix my heart, put on my makeup

Another mess I didn't plan."

-Song Quote

What exactly did you plan?

If we did end up gong our separate ways, it wouldn't be because i am like everyone else. I am not like everyone else and I would appreciate it if you would stop thinking i am. Stop trying to make it seem like i am. It would be because i already 'Made my case' you can not believe me because of your reasons. It's really hard to continue with that doubt in a relationship... as you know i need you to trust me. i need you to know that i am a good person. i need to goto bed!

This was her response to me pointing out the indicators that she was cheating. She was different from the other girls so her behavior, hip bone getting bigger, Justin's bloody lil present she left me, gap in her butt, all-of-the-sudden sexual awakening.... I knew Dara for a year. Some would tell me that I don't know Dara - but yes I do. I just don't know this girl that came back from Chris's/Justin's house that night. It was like they killed her and replaced her with a highly sexually aware clone.

[New entry - really bad handwriting]

f**k it! i;m sick of trying to convince you of the truth. what - ever!

I'm sick of you telling me what i did wrong and how i f**ked up all the tie

i'm sick of you being so f**king ignorant!

you piss me off that you think i am that way. And you tel other people. how f**ked up is that?

[New Entry - normal handwriting]

i am sorry for your cycle of pain and confusion.

I am sorry that you keep trying to convince me that i did something wrong to you. i wasn't even going to do anything with him! [Chris]

I'm sorry that you have a turbulant past.

Another reason why it should be in my head because I have been cheated on before.

i'm sorry some of your ex-girlfriends were less that good to you and i'm sorry you have difficulty distinguishing the differences between us.

i'm sorry i wont get to hang out over your mom's house, or take her for walks.

She picks the dammedest of times... Mother comes down with Cancer, A long time close friend gets swallowed in a housefire, to go right along with this. My mother initially liked her, even when she cheated on me - but when she started to become vindictive it even started to leave a bad taste in her mouth too.

i'm sorry that we even have to take some time apart. its scary to no know if we will come back to each other after that, or if you, or I, will meet someone else. thats not what this is about though.

im sorry that what i said was misconstrue. i didn't tell you what you wanted to hear. i didn't ever mean it that way

I'm sorry that you are going around giving everyone the wrong impressions.

I'm sorry that you (and your mom) cant deal with your spidey sences not being 100% right all the time! Or even 50%

My mom had an interesting take on Dara. It would piss Dara off to no end that I could tell something was wrong.

i'm sorry that you feel that you can not trust me.

i'm sorry that i waited for you to start my new book [Reading Twilight and sequels together]

I'm sorry I would of done anything for you

I'm sorry my heart hurts.

I am sorry i got you a special valentines present. Worked hard on it too... and for what?

Yes, I still have the recording of Dara 'putting my present down' when V asked her what I did for the valentines day.

I'm sorry we have to hate each other now.

i'm sorry that i almost don't even care what you think Anymore.

I'm sorry I tried to be nice to you through all this, you don't deserve it. your not just insecure like i thought. And im sorry i defended you to everyone and made myself look like an idiot

I'm sorry you are not making more out of yourself! what happened to the sign language thing? gave up pretty quickly huh?

I'm sorry your a slob, your not going to drag me down

i'm sorry that i can even come to you anymore. all i needed was a hug, it would make it better.

i'm sorry that you cant/wont be there for me tomorrow. i really needed you... i'll get over it.

i'm sorry that you like to blame me for all kinds of things try and make me feel guilty. real mature.

p.s. it doesn't work

i'm sorry your 'Share department' is closed

i'm sorry i trusted you too much.

I'm sorry that now there will be now man around the house to change light bulbs and to remove the dead mices.

I will miss your smell and your cuddley snuggle bug love. you thought play was casual but it was not supposed to be casual. it not fair. none of this is. you are the one that gets to sleep around in this relationshop. Seriously how many peple have you slept with since i met you? 2 atleast but probably more than that! 3? 4? sure thats ok. blame me for your sexual misconduct. this is so rediculeus, i almost feel very sorry for you.

I'm not sure what she means by play being casual - like sexually playing around, no.

This is a good question. We met on Tuesday November 27, 2007. There was an icestorm that night. I was living with my g/f Kimmie at the time... had sex with her - that's 1

Broke up with Kimmie - she moved out Friday December 28, 2007. Started going out with you Thursday, January 10th, 2008.

Between January 10th and March 3rd noticed by the movie stubs (and other indicators not listed here) that you were dating someone else - had the feel that you were not really interested in me. When you lied about your date your guitar necklas vanished, then later your phone malfunctioned and camera malfunctioned at the same time. You were dating someone else.

At the end of January Kimmie picked up that we were having problems - early February started a romance with Jenn S.

Still at 1.

I couldn't tell you this when we were fighting because it would only look retaliatory, but you wanted to hear I was sleeping with Jenn before we went back out again - and you didn't want to put it down. There was a romance - nothing you were not doing yourself.

Monday March 3, 2008 - my birthday you invite me over to dump me after giving me little presents - developed a hate for chocolate skittles. Still at 1.

March 4th - you try to fire up a relationship on myspace using Queencphoenix.

March 5th - it was nice to have a sexual relationship again after waiting for you for almost 3 months.

We are at 2 - not together anymore, but I still knew of you.

March 19 - I come over your house to get my stuff and you convince me to remain friends with you - only because your myspace friend flopped.

Detached from Jenn and started seeing Kimmie again in April, but not going out.

We became official again sometime in May, and when you refered to the relationship you wouldn't subtract our time apart. From May to the time we broke up I stayed faithful very.

Tuesday November 18, 2008 (we met on a tuesday) you had me to believe you had a friendship with Chris - you experienced your first time having sex, with someone other than your boyfriend (I thought it was Chris because Justin was going out with Drew and thats where your obsession revolved - smart tactic though).

Thursday you let me discover the mess Justin made by taking your v-card -

Friday November 23, 2008 you threw us away - going back for more.

Alot of our fighting can be described in the passages above and below.

Friday December 19, 2008 - I left you a letter on your porch indicating I couldn't trust you anymore- you were once again unreachable.

Sunday December 21, 2008 to Saturday March 28, 2009 - Try to work it out, clear up the mess in hopes of becoming official again.

Saturday March 28, 2009 - Just, DONE. I walked out on her Walk To Remember - I guess it will be a walk to remember.

After leaving the letter for you on December 19th, I went over to my friend Jamaica's house to spend the night - hooked up with one of her room mates after 7 months of patiently waiting for you. That would make 3.

Saturday morning around 10am you had very sad sex 2 times. You know when I sleep with someone else - but there is no way for me to know when you sleep with others? Another one way street.

First week of January you started sleeping with Will. (Thought it was Mark, that was who she had the dirty convo's with on her phone) You were even sleeping with him when Joy died - you just couldn't give it up could ya? Mid way through January when you could tell I was sleeping with other women the day after you sleep with Will, you put him down for a little while. - Whole time screaming 'I'm a virgin' This puts you at 2? 3? 4? More???

After 10 weeks of being sexually active and cutting yourself off from other people you pull out a Cinder Road condom and let me in a little. I wouldn't consider this having sex, or a meaningful sexual relationship because I had to do exactly what you wanted me to do - being the respectful person I obliged. I promised to keep this a secret - but Justin was allowed to tell all his friends and it's a painful point of manipulation I need to get out so I can move on.

So how many people did you have sex with while you where screaming Virgin? Many of the persons who hang out at the 7-11 knew you were seeing other people - you could see it on their face when I walked in the door. You would attribute it to me breaking up with you, that they were confused as to why I was their - but I know that look I was given.

'indirect a**hole' is a better word for you. your going to text me with all these messages and then put a 'love' on the end, yeah that makes it alllll ok.

i feel sad for you... very. i don't doubt that you are a good person. i think you mean well.

i really honestly think you are so crazy though... but does it matter? hmm

I'm sorry that you did read my notebook [these passages] (gasp!)

that you would laugh. thats why its not for you... i prob wouldn't say a lot of these things to your face. but despite what you think i try not to hide things and keep things from you - anyone. So therefore you are welcome to read whenever you want to. you are not welcome to try and use it against me anymore though

There are many instances where she would manufacture clues and leave them behind for me to discover - so she knew I remained in her control - like leaving a dirty text conversation on her cell phone between herself and Mark, when in fact she was seeing Will at the time. - Slick chick very?

I'm sorry that your allowed to make me change my mind about some things.

Her response would typically be, "Your making me believe something I didn't do..."

im sorry that you are so powerful and convincing. OMG

i am sorry you are so sad

STOP

FUCKING

WITH MY

EMOTIONS!

i want to need you

i shouldn't need you!

talk about your one way streets and double standards

[new entry]

i'm sorry that your the type that has problems when i hang out with others without you (never had this problem when you went out of state with 'Bullfrog' or your ex's friend until you cheated on me. My inscurity is unreasonalbe? Think you're right it is, I should have left you that first Friday - leaving me to be insecure with nothing) i don't see thee people all the time, i do see you all the time so i gail to see a problem. if i was hanging out with them everyday, or week even would be another story. (I believe if you are going out, and you have oppisite sex friends - you should have the oppertunity to know them - and get to know them well before sending them out on dates and hanging out. Knowing we are in this 'Work-it-out period is this something she should have done? She wanted to 'Hang Out' with Kevin, her ex boyfriends best friend (and her reputation with best friends, ha) I said I was ok with it. But when I wanted to meet up with them when I got off work I was told, "Kevin doesn't want you here." - starting another fight) No one wants to hang out with you anyway! Maybe if you were nicer, and didn't treat me like this then they would.

71% of women say being treated unfairly makes them angrist.

talk about wip lash! Depressed, happy, sad, impressive, crazy, go nuts. all in the course of a day... woah!

Why would you not want me to go out and havea good time? you would rather me stay at home on vday waiting for you to get off when you do get if i'm supposed to drop what i'm doing to include you? Sorry it doesn't work like that. you want to take me out? Cool, take me out! but not when i already have plans. you prob wont anyways. Jim got called in on a out of town job. leaving my friend Jess at home alone on vday. She ended up going ot to a dance or something with JJ and friends. long story short JJ and Jess dated recently when Jim and Jess broke up momently because he was being a jerk. They spend alot of time together, somethimes with Jim, mostly without. They have something that we are so obviously lacking.(Jenn's lack of desire to be cool and be a tramp?) he was happy that she got to get out and have some fun and not just sit around on vday. He prob wished it was him but he didn't turn into a jelous crazed Jerk over it. they will prob do something when he gets back from work. they were engaged. he started pulling similiar shit i gather, not as bad though.. she gave him one more chance but if he messed up again she would have to be done with him. it wasn't fair to her. This isn't fair to me?! how many chances have you had? way more than 2 or 3 or 4...! i love you but i don't think you are going to change. are willing to change or even think that you have anything to change. i do not like you thinking what you think but i have realized that i can not change it and i give up trying to! i need to find someone who doesn't have so many insecurities and who doesn't f**k with my head and my heart so bad. Someone who doesn't think that they can say all the s**t they want to me but then follows it with an, im sorry i love you. thats nice and all bit it doesnt give you a free pass to talk shit. maybe someoen who is more even and doesn't go from one extreme to another in 32 seconds. Someone who doesn't try to make me feel bad all the time for bad things not even done! (Yes, I know you didn't sleep with Chris at first, it was Justin. Does this make it better?) Someone who doesn't think I have such malicous will. Someone who can use proper grammer and spelling. Someone who doesn't expect my world to actually revolve around them. Someone more secure in themselfs (I'm secure with myself... but after the s**t you pulled I wasn't secure with us) and in a relationship, someone that understands things about me, and understand me and is not so... needy... clingy? (I have noticed and ugly cycle in love. When one lover feels like the other lover is leaving, they get clingy... and their clingyness usually pushes them over the line to ending the relationship) i don't know the word. untrusting or he is not working, though i don't know if that was even the issue the other night. Someone that doesnt monopolize my time. there is time for you. there are times for other things also. (my favorate was when she told me I needed to go find a hobby to concintrate on while she goes tramping) you want to think i am always setting you up and what not you go right ahead. Maybe next thing u can tell me: had sex with Kevin (I believed they kissed - but I don't think she screwd him on vday). After all he is my type right? Older, bald, and big stomach. Just can't get enough baby! (Later in March she did say something to the effect of that most people can't see it but Kevin has attrative qualities) Kevin is a way nicest friend anyway, atleast when he comes out o work and shaves himself! (Love it when she is mad how she nit-picks... dirty cloths on the floor, then my grammer, spelling... now shaving!) he knows what kind of person i am. i have to get up soon, work. early. worked late. i am truly sorry that you got hurt the other day, that ws never my attenions [the way she spelled it] nor would i ever purposly hurt you. (or anyone for that matter.) but this is going to a new low and it completly unexeptable! "hell you did liar." when I told you I wsnt setting you up. Sorry. NO.

A friend, excpecially a boyfirned is supposed to make you feel happy not degraded and crummy! you make me feel happy sometimes, alot of times i am with you but all the other times it is the opposite. Not good for a long time.

But a girlfriend is to make you feel like a fool, not worthy of sexual relations, not cool enough to hang out with your friends 90% of the time, wait 6 months to meet new found friends? Ha!

"i forget about you long enough to forget why i need to"

'you broke my f***ing heart but i still want you.'

'too bad theres something you wont know. it's rather important too. but yeah... oh well'

This is how she would address her virginity - that I would never know it was still there - even though it was gone 3 months prior....

Another one was, "I would tell you something that important!"

Sure, ok.

i didn't make this mess!

Goldy locks? Gavin? the rapy? feellike i am totall going to need that bg the time this is over, your f***ing with my head my friend. love? Hate? Sex? Want?

stop making me want you so bad right now. k thanks by

you give me goosebumps baby so cold without you

how am i supposed to do this all by myself? *sigh* maybe after some time...

i am/was serious now.

did you ever think the reason i keep a secret even though it is no longer a secret and wach everyting crumble is because I have nothing more to tell you, believe me if i did i would so want to tell you so we could be happy again. (I told her that for me to forgive her, to move past it, she is going to have to discuss it bring it out in the open and give me some time to swallow it. it was her secret, and she wasn't going to budge) i so miss you too much. I don't know what you heard but thats pretty f***ed up. Everything and everyones against us. i guess that means theat we loss out. No longer lovers, no longer friends? that sucks... even if we still had to be apart. dam i so wish you know everthing that happened with him, with you, with everyone. ill miss you my friend. (I stil don't know what happened with everyone... but I have a pretty good picture. I don't expect one day you will enlighten me... but maybe someone out there familure with some of the pieces of this very complicated situation can provide a crisp clear picture as to what happened)

I am so sorry for what happened to us. we were indeed meant to live for so much more. i do have regrets but not really (I don't think you are sorry for what happened - I don't expect you to be. You may be sorry you let me go though... maybe not... honnestly in my heart i don't care if you miss me or not) i did all that i could i think i do really want to call him + let you see but i think now, either way you are so far gone, would it matter? 443-386-51**

i'm sorry that i don't even blame you. i do. but since you truly believe that i was trying to play you and all that horrible stuff i so wasn't. dispite what you think, i am not that (type of person) and never will be. but if it was the case i wouldnt blame you one bit. (It is the case, and you did blame me - you probably still do - in my heart since I started this blog I don't care anymore if you blame me or not) and thats what you genuinley believe the case to be (I used to flip flop on it, not sure, not clear, confused. The things she would say to confuse me. Now, yes I do) :\

i'm scared of loosing you. even though i know i lready have. i so wish i didn't. i still need you (Fan club!)

i was never ever trying to lay with you or make you look like a fool. you dont need my help for that

and no... i am not happy (Then why didn't you knock it off?)

Im sorry! i don't know what to do! bye? :(

Thank you for the good times i wish we could have more of them

i know you believe you cant trust me enough to believe the things i say...

i gave everthing to you and you don't even know it. how sad!

Another "I was her first and didn't believe it' guilt trip - because she let me rub and go inside an inch before pretending the experience was painful. At this point in the relationship she had slept with Justin, Chris, Will, and my friend V)

It's kinda sad, because she was such a control freak, there are some things she will never experience - sorry, but not really. Just sad.

i need to focus on other things anyway.

i dreamt last night. we were happy together again

emotional abuse? maybe she knew someting that i didn't yet know

[New Entry]

[Songs]

[Songs]

[Songs]

'Your foolish to do this' yeah i know that

i think maybe you have an undiagnosed case of multiple personality disorder its maddening! who are you today?

Maybe I am a result of something you created that I just learned how to manage. Shame on me for letting it go for this long.

i am so done with this

i'm sick of wasting everything i have on you, + you not even knowing or apperiationg it.

'i don't think honesty is ever something you should regret. i figure if im going to cover things up + try to hide the way i feel + try to be perfect all the time, people are going to see through that. And also, if you're trying to change yourself all the time to adapt to what you think should be, you're going to run out of the things to be after a while.

-T.S.

Indicators

Something else my buddy had said that I met up with the other day when I wrote Words From the Wise http://daradebus.blogspot.com/2010/03/words-from-wise.html

He had suggested the age gap. When I met Dara she was 24, I was 30 = 6 year gap... I can't dismiss this, but even Dara noted herself that most of her Facebook friends were getting married and having children. She probably wont stand at the alter and not wonder what a unique and cool wedding we could of had, what kind of father and husband I would have been, or father I could have been to our children. Her grandmother brought up the point to her that Gavin would always be my favorite. She needs to go with a rich man. I tried to explain to her that rich people have money. Money is a possession... people are stripped of their possessions all of the time... and rich people cope by placing a bullet in their head when they loose there money. I managed to raise a 5 year old little boy without living with mom and dad with a high school education and an A+ Certificate from Comp TIA. Not rich, not poor, and I know how to survive... knock on wood of course!

When I met her and for our first year together she didn't have sex, declared she didn't want to have sex until she was married. I thought she was looking to settle. We didn't even start getting into each others pants until October '08 (We met November '07) or should I say she let me get into hers a little bit. I thought she was shy when she had little interest in my body but it really opened concern when she was so interested and would gaulk at pictures from Chris's Myspace of Chris and Will standing naked concealing their pence's with only an old telephone and a bottle of booze (Myspace prohibits nudity... but since they are covered...) That in itself should have been an indicator to walk away, but this was late February '09.

She was always late. I would joke with her, "You're going to be late to your own wedding, and funeral!"

She would reply, "No way. I would never be late to my own wedding!!!" The wedding of my friend in Reading, PA... I can't say she made me late... but she was a significant contributor - we missed the entire ceremony and the Reading Bride gave up, called us when we where balancing off the rails at the Pagoda so disappointed in her voice when she called me, "I guess you're not coming" and I replied with,

"No, we are at the Pagoda waiting for direction."

The bride screamed!

We were shortly on my way.

Had a bit to drink... socialised with the guests, retreated to a campsite for the night.

I let her sleep on top of me the entire night because the ground hurt her back. I laid perfectly still all night long without an issue. I woke up comfortably. I usually toss and turn and have issues if I lay to still for to long.

I never once growled at her for making me late for the wedding. I got to keep her that night, I was happy. I let her breath. She had a date once to Tyson's Corner to meed a rockstar with another guy. Asked a few questions, but I was ok with it. It didn't ring of problems. I wanted to let her breath.

If I ever had house work... I could never get her to join in and make it fun... unusual.

Age gap... I would disagree... Maturity however...

Not being cool enough
Hard time holding a job
Being late for just about everything
All the lies
Deep attraction to other men

Should have been a clue before I bought that ring. I listened to my heart, I took a chance, placed a bet, stood by her...

Rafaela woke me up this morning asking me, "Why is it that the people I'm interested in are not interested in me; and the people who are interested in me I am not interested in them? John, I really don't understand this!" My reply, "This reminds me of a movie called 'Rules of Engagement' about collage dorm life centered around 4 or 5 different people who rejected one another. It's what makes the few relationship that you had that perfect click and mutual attraction so precious."

So maybe those precious moments really don't exist - all one sided. Maybe I was the one crazy for her, but meant nothing to her.

I read her letters to Kain http://www.letterstokain.blogspot.com/ in detail, saved them to my pen drive and file locker. There is so much in me that is me, and so much that isn't me, and so much that isn't her. Prince of Orion asked her to explain details of the relationship (she dose not, just how much she misses him) and she did not. I can only assume they are not of me...

I need to move on - another step.

But still...

Je t'aime idiot!!!

Anger Stripped - Just Sadness

I'm not clear as to why, but the last few days my anger toward this issue has been replaced by worry with remaining sadness. I don't trust it not to return.

My tree is finally starting to die. The needles are beginning to become hard but remain green. Too bad you're not here to see it for yourself.

Je t'aime idiot

Kimberly Traggorth

You're kind and sweet
Soft to the touch
Inpatient sometimes,
But not too much.

A break in the clouds
You present to me
In times of great need
There you be

Your loyalty, my debt
I wish circumstances met
We love each other
But a relationship,
Just wont let.

Spite complications
Parental recommendations
We keep each close
Even if it means
I become the roast!

Times of abandonment
Job I couldn't just do
I found someone else,
And their, I flew.
However there are some things
You never knew
How close
I stayed to you

A bond we have
She will never know
She will envy
Till she resides
With the late
Ms Flow

Amy B

She stands short, not much higher than five foot- zero
But don't let them blue eyes fool you
She can be feisty
Ask the girl in the Burger King window

She isn't smart the same way others are smart.
Spelling, grammar, math
She may struggle
This shouldn't leave a persons' value
A pile of rubble

Roads,
Find a bridge, a town
She has been to before
How they all interconnect with one another
In her head - it's one big encore

This skill relates to
Other life matters
Map them like a street
A mental obstacle now beat
Putting together American History
How and where
The Confederacy would meet
Pieces leading to their defeat

Need help finding the remote
In a pile of clutter?
She can pick it out
In a moment,
Before I could studder.
She can find that needle
In a haystack
Dig it out,
Give it back.

A loyalty wired deep
She would derail a freight train
If she couldn't
Then trade places and pain
With only one small umbrella to share
I would be dry in the rain

Like any human being
She is blessed with faults
If you look much past
You may see a valued vault

Dance the Double Edge Sword

I find myself like Homer Simpson being beaten between a large rock and a hard place. I see her drained, this saddens me. I see her happy, this saddens me too - with different reasons. Just the name mentioned still opens a dark weight, emotional charge full of everything.

They still tell me to move on...

I'm working on it - with this.

Je t'aime idiot

The Conslusion of A Happy Birthday

I slept alot today... what else is new, eh? Amy and Kimmie provided a wonderful cake, nice party - not too many guest but not a desert wasteland either. They both worked out personal details without any issues.

I put a ballsy facebook status up:

Thank you for all the Happies (as in Happy Birthdays). Reflecting upon this birthday has gone much better than the last 2 (Last year I wasn't cool enough to have sex with my gf playing virgin while banging my friend, year before getting birthday dumped.) birthdays. Thank you again for all the best wishes and amen to happiness!

Ex Girlfriend Bitterness

She is a first... another first wasted? Wasted emotion, time, thought maybe - but not a first to be proud of. A first that enraged me so great I felt a year later the only way to relieve my pain was internet publication.

I haven't felt this much rage toward a person since I was in Middle River Middle School. The place I was in a constant of being walked on, stepped on, made to feel, 'Not Cool Enough' on a daily basis.

Most of my ex's I am good friends with, or resolved. I took Dara to a wedding of an ex in Reading, PA that I still hold close, with no anger... took me a month to get over the separation in that one... abandonment sucks.

I don't want to come across as just a bitter soul full of hatred who is unable to get over a g/f. I don't expect a current boyfriend of her's to believe me word for word. I don't want them to believe me, or disbelieve me. I want them to take the information I provide, hold it neutral - compare it to their own, and keep their ear to the ground, don't let yourself get swept away supper burned in vindictive spit like I did. Keep Dara, she probably needs you much more than she would be willing to admit. But keep your guard, too... enabling you to keep your sanity if you discover you can't keep her.

And be decient - say goodbye with an honnest reason why.

Je t'aime idiot

I Gota Stop - The Fix-It and Box

Unlike most living rooms, mine contains a box overflowing with what would appear to be random items.

In my reality, they contain every gift, photo, contribution, project, creation, ect - to and from her. When I feel I have added everything to the box that needs to be added I am not clear as to what I want to do with it.

Initially I wanted to burn it. Or set it in the blind spot of her driveway, pulling in to run over it - fitting. But, no.

The other day I had noticed she is wearing the same coat from years back... I walk through department stores and I see coats fitting for her, like I would see for Amy or Kimmie or Sam.

Her fender is dented and rusted... thought how I could replace it cheap, but not look cheap...

I need to stop trying to find ways to help the girl. She isn't my g/f, my friend, or my problem... but I just can't shake it.

I gota stop!

Je t'aime idiot

You Look So Drained, Enjoy the Movie?

Sunday was not a regular day for me. I opened at work on about 9 hours sleep, worked from 10 to 2 - let go for lack of business and a pizza man is not productive when he gets lost with a GPS. Crashing from 2:30 to about 8:00 then to wake to catch a movie at AMC Whitemarsh, Dear John at about 8:30.

The movie reminded me much of the relationship we had before the mess. Not as a whole, but the smaller details... references to the moon, knowing someone for a long time when you just met them.... The time you were with was cherished, the time apart you looked forward to the next....

Exiting the movie in the hall Kimmie and I saw her... when I see her I either walk past her like a ghost, or look to the ground shaking my head. Kimmie pointed out how weird the guy she was with was, I just looked down and shook my head. I have never seen her so drained. As soon as Kimmie made her comment she put distance between her and the guy. Honestly I am not clear he was a date, but she was occupying his personal space when we met into her... No arms around each other, no holding hands, but close - together.

I texted her later that night to inform her she looked drained, if she enjoyed the move, and the movie title (it escapes me at the moment). She caught the text a few min later and texted me back an hour later with "No". Single word replies usually indicates a person is not up for a conversation so I just let her be.

She never looked like that when she was with me, always had a sparkle in her eye... with Justin, she had a glow, Justin gone she was low... but not like this. I didn't notice if her eyes were shallow. The moment was fast and I prefer little contact because all she has to share is insulting small talk or how crazy I was - only destined to reciprocate with my rage. Just walk on by, never to say hi.

Je t'aime idiot

Words From the Wise

There is so much I want to write but my fingers and thoughts would not be able to keep up with one another.

I am sick very with multiple infections throughout my body that have no relation to Dara. They are literally killing me. I sleep from 12 to 20 hours a day. I get up at 7:30 to rear my son to school, sleep the day away until about 3:00pm to get him from school. From then I either take him to the designated sitter for that day, get him settled, head on off to work for a few hours, or have the day off and let him go out find friends and play. Guide him through the homework, dinner, bath then we usually both head off to bed. I sleep all night, wake at 7:30, get him to school, back to bed... leaving little time very for much else. The time I am awake drained very tired, exhausted. Body aches sometimes with fever, shakes, chills, all fun and dandy! If I push myself the body aches grow out of control, I get lost at work, and things just don't work the way I want them to. I crave sleep - to no end.

I ran into an old friend who would prefer not to be named in this. He shared his grave concern about my anger toward this situation, that I should just forget about it. For me it is like an enormous static charge - charged in my body deeper than my infection and is unable to discharge. I want to forget about it. I want to leave it behind. This is helping me out. Being drowned in this mess I'm unable to identify the points at what I am so enraged about. This helps me separate all the various points, face them, rationalise them, try to move past them. While it also helps me communicate with others what happened - this is important to me and here is why:

When this whole mess opened, she would use her grandmother, co workers, friends to back how crazy I was to think she would do this. Pushing my insanity when in reality she was sleeping around with initially a small group of men opened the deepest of frustrations because when she was with me, I would believe her. She had that influence on both my son and myself and took full advantage of it. This was crueler than bringing the men in my house as far as I'm concerned.

Now over the months she has developed a new reputation within the locals - this is clear to many now that I was not a nut. Relieving that cloud of confusion and am I crazy. I wanted to believe her, even if it meant I was crazy at the time. I really really really did. Now I can be heard, believed, face the issue, put it behind, move forward.

He told me I needed to set a focus, something to work towards. If we are able to get this infection to clear, allowing more time on my hands I'm going to jump for it! Till then I feel like I'm imprisoned by aches, illness, and sleep... sleep... sleep.... I have been waiting for the opportunity to post this, and much many. I want this, I want it bad just as much as I crave the sleep my body calls for.

With this post, a major weight has rolled off my chest.

A part of me wants to post the good things about her, the good things about us. Reflecting on them though, weighing in the things she has done... not exercising her freedom to leave but the vengeful spite she spit... were the good things just an illusion? Was I just a love sick crazy man who fell for this girl, but to her she was with just some other person that can be spit on, kicked, ok?

My heart says there was some illusion, but the good times were still good. Feedback on this issue will help very!

Je t'aime idiot

Notice of Debt - To the Ones' Who Preyed Upon Her

Something that has been bothering me for about a year now, but drowning in my pain I was too distracted to do anything about it. I'm not a violent person and have no desire to go out and kick ass - not that my 6'0" 220lbs stature wouldn't allow. Just not my idea of taking care of business. It's suppressive, usually doesn't teach or enable the offender to learn and often opens a series aftershock/violence spurts with others; opening a ugly can of worms.

I could easily very party with these people, but it would offend Dara to no end. Not that she doesn't deserve to be offended, but its the wrong approach I believe very.

Reviewing Chris's blog a few months ago I came upon an article opening about the same time Dara brought me to his house in an attempt to convince me she wasn't having sex with Chris. After collapsing on his bed after 1 to many drinks he informed me that he wouldn't do anything to harm her... while explaining this I informed him that once she came over here that November Tuesday she came back a different person very. Facing the opposite direction I could feel the guilt melting off his face. For my place was a place he has encountered before and is evident in his blog.

This article has been removed, but for those of you who would like to visit his mini-blog the link is http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendId=98296148

The article he removed was a protest of anger how girls come over just to f*** him for the sole purpose to bust up their own b/f g/f relationship, dated late March. I'm not convinced this was the case.

For those who prey [upon Dara]
This is the day
I cast you in my debt

New -
New Cars
New Relationships
New Bars
New Houses
New Blouses
Will become departed
Will all dissolve
As fast as they started.

Stuck
Frozen they will be
Unable to proceed
In life
In return for the destruction
Of who could have been
My wife

Until your debt is resolved

This isn't directed toward Chris. This is addressed to anyone who sought Dara out to watch her squirm or burn for the purpose of self gratification that opened significant damage to her. Past and future boyfriends have nothing to worry unless they have gone out of their way to harm her successfully - a life changing harm.

Once I opened this prayer/spell/hex whatever you care to call it, I noticed a large group of people from another side grabbing a series of shovels and digging a hole - hence the Shovel People. It is these people who will decide who hurt her, not me. They have been watching for a long time now. It is like they have been waiting for some time to act and needed some kind of permission, something to make it ok. They may or may not have noticed that one of Chris's friends hung himself in the basement of one of the buildings he/his family owns in Jacksonville (I pointed this out to Dara that this was a message that someone was trying to send about him, and this isn't someone you want to associate with). I have a creative imagination, I acknowledge this possibility.

If you are reading this and feel you are involved, I'm not hard to contact. If you want to let the series of events consume your life - to end it with a bullet in your head; this is your election and not what I was seeking.

Perhaps my mind is overactive and imaginative. Perhaps this is just a prayer hoping that these people who were apart of that big black blob I perceived that manipulated and preyed upon her opening extensive damage will not just be able to walk away from the mess they made. Maybe it's a spell, or a hex. Time will tell, soon enough.

Do you remember the article I posted about a person's aire? How when a person goes about their life with integrity, people generally perceive them honest. When people choose to sleep with their b/f friends and bring other men to his house to f***, I'm not clear as to what kind of aire this opens in a person - but I'm sure it's not good. Well I'm opening an aire within myself - if you attack the people close to me, in my circle - the people I care and love, I declare you will not walk away unscathed.

Je t'aime idiot

Worries of the Girls - Love Comes Home

I can see it in their eyes... the worry I would go back to such a person. I can't see her letting me understand what happened. And if she did...

QueenCPhoenix - an alternate profile on MySpace. When she dumped me on my birthday back in 2008 because while she was hypocritly exploring her own and didn't approve the exploration of mine. After attempts to hook up with someone falls through she tries to pull our relationship back together again.

I wouldn't want you to cramp yourself by having to come home by stooping down from the "Cool" status, to be with me. Worse yet let the past repeat to find someone "Kewler," again.

How would I know this wouldn't repeat? What could you do to humiliate yourself so that security would click - knowing you were here to stay. Considering I wasn't cool enough to see you naked, have any of the naked pictures you sent to your "Cool Friends" (concert tickets), have any meaningful sexual relations, maybe I shouldn't hold my breath, eh?

Maybe they have nothing to worry about.

Je t'aime idiot

Gav's Birthday & The Wiplash

Yesterday was Gavin's birthday. Decorating the day before was fun... fifty balloons and a series of streamers... I was a little disappointed in the lack of participation and input Amy put into this project but her parents provided a wonderful cake (she did stay on the ground to hold the streemers while I mounted them to the celing. This doesn't make her a bad person - simply and observation). I know Dara would have helped and maybe have stole the project away from me... (kind of a complement) wonderful outcome I'm sure though. She always had so many good ideas and input into his birthday. Last year there was just too much turmoil to execute any of the ideas.

Today after picking Kimmie up from work, we ran into her at her job. Gavin insisted in waiting behind to see her, so we let him while Kimmie and I return to the car. A minute later I walked toward the building the local Papa John's manager Ashley came out to inform me that he is not leaving. I opened the front door, whistled for him and he came to asking to stay longer. I refused to make eye contact with her - I don't know if her eyes remain shallow. It was like she said hi to me, like she waved her right hand up and side to side, asked me how she was doing... but she didn't really... some kind of projection... or just a fantasy in my head?

After about week 2 of f***ing Justin she would complain of suffering from whiplash... the constant things going really good to really horrible and shifting back in forth with us. To avoid future whiplash unless absolutely necessary I act as if she isn't even there - walk by her like a ghost. She would use the "Whiplash" and my manic depression against me alot throughout the remainder of our relationship. The best way to explain this would be lets say someone close, like a mother or a sister or a brother - someone you love and cherish to no end. Now they humiliate and betray you. You still love them, you want the best of the best, and things to work out. You block out the rage... enjoy the relationship and something, some key would come by to open that rage and then back to the fighting. But you want it to work - foreclosure of our relationship runs parallel to loosing your house and car and everything precious with it. You want it to be ok. But that rage just consumes you. She would blame this on me. Even though I know better now... a small part of me feels like a monster. Perhaps she should have considered not f***king Justin in the first place, or let me go before hooking up saving me the humiliation of being dragged thru Jacksonville as the relationship laughing stock.

It deeply angered me that she told her 'Cool Friends' that I had hit her. In my deepest rage in never occurred to me to inflict physical pain. Even after.... About a week after we stopped talking I lost something inside me... I started referring of her as The Bit(h. Also refered to her as Tough Bit(h. When she wanted to give me my stuff back a month later, looking back I suspect she was trying to get back together at some level. At the time I was glad to get it back and knew she had no other reason to get in contact with me and was harsh very with her to an extreme. Her random, "Hey there! How do you like facebook? I like it better than MySpace..." comments insulting - like pretending nothing ever happened. I told her that when she was ready to tell me what happened to enable me to get over this we could 'small talk' but till then leave me and my Facebook page alone.

She closed her Facebook account.

Kimmie treated Gav to Chuck E Cheese for his birthday today. I texted her and asked her if it was ok if I gave Gav her phone number. She never replied. Gav talked about her a bit in the car on the way. Something in his eyes, he still craves that relationship with her. I'm not clear if she would continue to mess with his head or not.

While I was heading home driving on Sweet Air road by the deer hill images of her started returning to my head. Images of her tiny arms and fingers, her eyes... having sex with others but too cool for me. I told myself she is a nothing now, everyone has been with her now - their is nothing special about her. She isn't your problem. She isn't even a cool person - she is a nothing and not your problem anymore. It half worked. Kimmie supplied a kiss and a hug at Harford Rd.
She would love to say, "Too bad, I guess we will never know," when she was trying to make me feel like a monster for destroying her 'First' (as in her sexual awakening) moments. I disagree. I think when the time is right, I will know everything I need to know- so take your "First's" and shove it. I don't want to be in your record book of being your first anything. You don't deserve to be able to cherish any memory of me, or the magic I bring being your first of anything. You're stuck with the memories with the people you fought so hard to be with that pushed you away. You got your 15 minutes of fame and have no idea what to do with the 999,999,999,999,998 other minutes of your life. The second dream makes sense now.

Je t'aime idiot

Gav's Project - Tens of Tens

Just something I think you would have enjoyed. We picked up some styrofoam black board and he needed to present a collection of items on it - we used Coke caps. I cleaned them up, dabbed the glue as he placed each cap on the board.

He had the option of presenting them in 20 rows of 5 or 10 rows of 10. He opted to go with the 10 rows of 10...

Next Wed, Gav birthday. Wed after that my birthday. Wed after that Phishy's birthday... I can't believe my last birthday I went without any so you could play Virgin... I believe you where f***ing Will at the time, in the parking lot of the basketball courts - between the Bank of America and the Jacksonville E. S. Wow, the things I put up with for you.

Je t'aime idiot!

Your Eyes Are Shallow...

You always said I was crazy, or very curious - usually with %90+ accuracy. Working on this blog I wanted to find a photo. I noticed your eyes are shallow. This usually means a person is pending death (not guaranteed death, or even half the time. But if you continue your path, you may die. Like a period of judgment).

I remember back in October you made a decision that was going to take many years off your life - though I was not privy to what it was, and the decision you made.

I know the thing that I saw back in early 2008 that wanted to hurt you, but was distant like you were on back burner - we know what that was, and it is almost finished.

In a year or so another black thing is coming your way. It is different from the one before, it doesn't discriminate - it's not human, almost like a disease. It's like a freight train that will run over and destroy everything on its tracks regardless of who, what, or how precious it is. It's heading your way.

I know for every 4 months you are in my circle, you gain a year of life.

I could never share this with you because of the abuse I suffered from you when I picked up various men and what you were doing with them. Any other time I was usually dead on. I found colors in you - I could see them with my fingers. Pain was black, sometimes when you were not into other men I could pull it out.

Since your abandonment I have found new colors and new ways to manipulate them. Too bad I can't share them with you.

Je t'aime idiot!

Why Does She Anger You So?

I see you in the Cockeysville Walmart, and you see her. Your face begins to turn red, and you start clinging to your male company so hard they look at you in bewilderment like you have just fell off the face of Mars and onto their dinner table.

What is it about my female company that disturbs you so? Their glow from hours before? Knowing I touched them head to toe, like I did with you - opening a rush of tingles? Knowing how hard I grabbed them while I pushed myself into her so fast and hard and long she looses control - screaming in convolutions while my changing blue eyes pierce their soul? Knowing after how I touched them, swirling their colors, opening a connection that later allows me to find their pain, and pull it out like the joker in a set of cards? Or not knowing the reason why they glow so much brighter that you, and you may never know why? Or perhaps you're no longer the object of all my time, and affections, and my time, and my poetry, and my time, and my spells. Yes, I gave you so much of my time... Enlighten me, please.

You have a very interesting blog . You can delete it if you like, but everything is already saved. Is that me? Or is that a number of people as you evolve, your interests fade and return. How long will it be me? I have been told it reads similar to mine, this is not my intent.

Je t'aime idiot!

Abandonment - Why Do They Leave Me?!?

It has been brought to my attention that many relationships that she has engaged in end up and a total sudden silence. No phone calls, e-mails, text messages, or even goodbyes. Just total cut off.

Maybe they are resentful of the rash that you give your men, the one you pretend you have no clue when in reality you see it pop up in just about every guy you sleep with.

Maybe its an integrity issue. Maybe all the nasty things you have done and care not to be reminded of follow you. People look at you and just don't like you.

Or maybe they just don't love you. Maybe the thought of you not being in their life is like a shrug of the shoulders - just another girl. Maybe my love and tolerance and giving you the benefit of the doubt all of the time was a major disservice to you. The thought of you not being in my life was like the idea of living without air - just unbearable. Those blunt and angry manipulations may work when you're in their presence but as soon as we leave you we are left with something a wrong very!

So instead of arguing, or trying to understand, or giving you the benefit of the doubt like someone who loves you - you find yourself cut cold.

The cold irony that the person who is less in love within a relationship has the upper hand, has an irony within - silence.

Je t'aime idiot

Total Disclosure - Ultimate Humiliation

Friends and friends of friends who have read my troubles, and who witnessed my pain ask me, "Why don't you just push it out there. Tell everything, every little secret. Secrets don't matter anymore after you break up."

I gave this great thought. She was beyond mean, she was cruel. Watching her glow from other men is just as bad as walking in on you guys. Hell, pull a Norbit and tell he how bad you will hurt me for knowing while your at it. You had sex with my friends. You brought other men into my house and screwed them in my son's room when nobody was home (another story, for another day). Why should I hold back from what I disclose to potential boyfriends, old curious friends, ex boyfriends, potential employers to see. Your name is not common very - easy to find your associations to the Optimist Club, past Towson State projects... and now this - all with a simple search of Dara DeBus Phoenix, MD for anyone who wants to know.

My conclusion: Integrity. She didn't keep her end of the deal doesn't necessarily release me from my end. The objective to this is not to humiliate, but to inform people of things they might need to know and what was done - not her secrets. She shouldn't be angry at this though, after all she told me on a number of times she didn't care what I said and that it was not big deal. If she is to be angered by it, she will be just as angry with or without including personal secrets - ture. But I still hold my integrety.

There are many out there who can take one look at me and just know when I'm speaking the truth. Integrity is like an aire around you that many can perceive. I wish to preserve that aire and that is my election. This holds true to other attributes, too.

Je t'aime idiot

The Week After the Stray

Every time we had a small argument, disagreement - whether I was right or wrong. Or a passionate moment in our innocent relationship it was not uncommon for a light to burn out. The weeks before the stray we blew out a number of bulbs.

When she would lie about her whereabouts when she was f***ing Justin, bigger things where breaking. The Friday night when she lost her innocence swearing to me she was at that empty intersection when I called her - her computer died.

I took pride of being the fix-it person of the house. But when the resident gremlin broke something as a result of her strays I would strangely have no desire to fix it. I would look at it in disgust, with a sickening feeling almost overwhelming. The computer had a memory error - it would no longer read both slots, just one or the other. Making it functional again the computer lost half its memory.

That Tuesday night she came back a different very person. Sometimes I wish I could go back to Chris's house and try to find her. A new sexual awareness had taken place. The lil corny sex jokes that once flew over her head began to hold gravity. I would lay next to her and minutes later discover she had NOTHING on from the waist down. Much more open to fool around.

She wasn't just a lair, she was an evil lair. She would push guilt trips for knowing something was wrong. She would gain confidence in switching the players around. I initially thought Chris was the primary person she was screwing. She was obsessed with him, his camera, his charm. But it was his buddy Justin.

Or months later after being rejected from this circle she would flirt with an older guy name Mark, frequently. I knew she was seeing somebody, I thought it was Mark - but it was really a guy name Will. This is how she cheats, and knows you don't know because you just don't have the players right.

A week later I helped her up off the floor and noticed her hip bone was slightly bigger. My heart fell back to the floor and started another fight. What kind of person did I think she was, she would say. She would involve her family into it. She had a very innocent reputation with her family at the time. They wouldn't listen, I didn't even bother.

But one fight after another things of great importance - things she valued would suddenly break, or go missing. Jewelry, her pink I-pod, her phone and computer would constantly break. She would deny it was related - but it was no longer unnoticeable. Has anyone else been in a relationship with a chronic cheater and noticed every time they would lie, and cover it up by blanketing you with guilt or anger or rage something of great value of theirs breaks?

Je t'aime idiot

Sparking the Anger - Opening the Humiliation of the Child

When these events were transpiring, how do you explain to a 5-6 year old what is going on. From the beginning, when I was a child my mother would explain everything to me to the best of her ability - in detail that I would understand. Looking back, she was very accurate. I did the same with my son.

Gav took to Dara like no other. He wouldn't call her 'Mommy' but referenced her to his friends as his mother (like, "You better be nice to me, that's my Mommy"). I'm not clear as to how the abandonment of both Dara and his mother will affect him as he continues to develop. He has his own feelings, thoughts, and opinions. Don't let the age of 6 deceive you - they are very much little people. He was able to deal with the neighborhood kids when they realized she was gone, they would call him a liar... he swallowed it and changed the subject. Maybe the girl did teach him a few good tricks of the trade.

As I would attempt to run in my head how to explain to Gav what is going on, he asks - and was able to comprehend from his own various social settings from school and daycare what Dara's motives were. I didn't even have to go into depth that she was 'Kissing' other guys . He understood that daddy couldn't just hang around while she kissed other guys and wanted to be with other guys for their cool cars and money. Daddy just didn't have that being a single parent.

There were 2 occasions where Dara would attempt to manipulate Gav. Once starting a fight in her basement. At the end Gav was adamant, "She didn't do it daddy!" Over and over... I would ask him what Dara didn't do and he wasn't able to answer me, just that she didn't do it. This is how persuasive she is.

The second time was she wanted to tell Gav this wasn't her fault. Yeah, my inability to cope with you taking nights out screwing Jacksonville repeatedly was not your fault? She didn't realize that by saying it wasn't her fault - she was trying to imply it was mine? It's my fault she isn't around anymore?

He brought her up today. We were going to install one of those fake rocks on the windshield of her car. He expressed anger over how she hurt daddy. I'm not clear if he is angry because of her actions that hurt daddy, or her sudden absence. I told her that if we were unable to work out she could still have a relationship with my son. However she wanted to use him as a little pawn. Should I have allowed this?

Je t'aime idiot

Circle Closed - You're on your own

One of my friends had read my blog and said that it was kinda hard to follow. So I thought I would write it out more defined and less switching between past and current.

My friend V, of over 15 years slashed my front drivers side tire. It works under the principle of the,"Cheaters' Paranoia." He was holding sexual relations during and after I was seeing her. So he feels I am holding a sexual relationship with his 17 year old girl. Screwing something as precious as it was, wasn't enough, had to top it off with some property damage. He is no longer my friend - he is on his own. I will no longer defend him, shelter him, back him up, lend him money, or any other form of support. He is now out of my circle.

There was a point were I could only take so much of watching Dara return from these parties with her gap in the ass and excited warm glow - when she left my circle a series of very bad events opened.

The circle is like my official way of taking in a friend. I'm very selective who is in. In many ways it enables me to protect and support them.

As for their relationship - I don't think Darwin would approve but maybe they can both mature by moving out of their prospective parents house and share the same dwelling together... have lil hairy children... like I said, Darwin would not approve. But Darwin, like many other influences in this world are dead.

Where did we unravel?

I think this is a great spot to list all of my adventures - things I have done and created that I think you would have liked to be included in. To finish were I left off...

We ran out of bread to make french toast. So I found some hot dog rolls, scraped the skin off of the tops and made french toast sticks... a rich egg batter, family recipe... turned out wonderful!

Shoveling out... easier than I thought - the wind blew off most of the snow. I wish you were included in these moments.

This time last year, Valentines Day. I didn't wish you, or expect you to be alone waiting for me most of the day. I did expect you to make some room for me though - a telephone call, a surprise at my door or at my work would have been nice. This year, much nicer - thank you!

I'll never forget your conversation with V at Denny's though - I left you just a Balloon, and a cheap box of chocolates with a stuffed animal. She didn't care how big the balloon was, or how much work I put into balancing, wording on the blank card, though with everything going on I couldn't open a poem for you. She made it quite clear that she expected riches and an elaborate gifts. Like the now out-of-date Rockband Drum set She lost her virginity for - I'm glad they beat me to it b/c even if I had got it for her I still wouldn't have been cool enough to have any sexual relations as her boyfriend. I tried to tell her the connection you can have with your first - like the one I still have with today with mine. Somehow I suspect she has little to no relations with Justin after I broke up with her. You missed out Dara baby. You were not going to listen to me at all - you considered anything I had to say as an attempt to manipulate you away from the tide that swoop you up, and apparently spit you out cold.

On the subject of sexual relations, at first I was pretty devastated that she completely excluded me out of your sex life. But after speaking to the few that were WILLing to talk to me, I have been told you're a meadeoaker f*** that comes with a bad rash under the balls. V will tell you it's not a rash, its a fungus. Nothing a Dr's visit to obtain a steroid-cream/antifungul-cream and an antibiotic can't cure. This is not considered and STD. It can remain untreated for months and even years with no harm other than a periodic itch. If it spreads it can kill you - it put me in the ER. [V is one of my close friends she started having sex with - will elaborate down the line. ]

I have decided I may make notes like above, but generally I am going to stay in chronological order. At times I may have to jump out of order to explain a current event. Try to stay with me, ask questions if you like.

A guy named Chris Zaccari and cliche that hangs around him had caught the attention of Dara as they hang around the local 7-11. They have a reputation for being something similar to a 'Swing Group'. He had followers, money, little overhead costs of living, tattoos - I couldn't compete with this. Chris invited her to a 'Party' one Sunday night when she was off work early to mid November.

She wouldn't give me an address, a full name, and when she lost touch with me I freaked. She was only there for 10 minutes, exchanging some personal information and then left. Her grandmother knowing Chris's grandfather encouraged Dara to go over there. I don't think her grandmother understood what Chris was involved with, or what he is about.

Dara made it quite clear it was inappropriate to be upset or flip out. In the year we had been together I never really flipped out on her. She opened the guilt trip - and it worked: about a $100 dinner at The Cheesecake Factory in Towson. Money clearly not well spent.

The weekend 2 weeks before Thanksgiving 2007 she hooked up with Justin who purchased her then $200 Rockband Drum Kit. A few days before she asked me to pick it up for her or do a "Joint Custody" thing with it. I reserved this for special events or special times - and having just put down a $500 deposit on an engagement ring the month before - she was the only girl I dated that I ever asked to marry me, she said yes. So who was really wasting who's firsts?

Sometimes after a bad day like the return from an unpleasant visit of the dentist I would surprise her with a special present. A nice surprise - an attempt to push her mind away from the pain. They beat me to it, I was pissed - now, glad because I would only be wasting my money.

That night after I got off of work and returned to her house I had an almost instant headache when I came into contact with her new toy. She said her father had purchased it. Later that night we slept together - we almost had always slept together. It was an innocent relationship - no sex. It stayed this way long after her sexual awakening. Any small attempts to engage in one she regarded as, "Highly Inappropriate!" In reality, I just wasn't cool enough :/

I awoke with really really bad dreams - the dreams I had before, when we fell apart the last time we had strayed apart from one another. She treated me coldly, like it was in my head. Later that weekend she set a date (Tuesday) to meet over Chris's house to learn some photography tricks. I was clearly not invited, when asked to meet him or check this out I was refused. I was given the speech, "Whats the matter, you don't trust me." Trying to explain to her that it wasn't her that I didn't trust, it was them. Seduction is an art, and some were good at it - with experience, chemistry, and status, and the right amount to drink anyone is subject to break. I couldn't explain this to her in her innocence with her lack of understanding. I tried... and I didn't give up without a fight. If I remember correctly it was her that left me b/c she couldn't deal with the anger she would spark in me while having the sexual relations - there was not logical explanation that she could conceive that I would know. I didn't have proof, so therefor I was being unreasonable. If I recal, "I don't need you anymore."

Tuesday came, she went over around 6. Around 11 this God awful feeling overwhelmed me, I could smell her, deep cramps. She lost touch - I cried myself to sleep.

Wednesday we met up at Whitemarsh AMC to catch Madagascar 2. I saw her and cried while she ignored me, focusing her attention on the new movie posters. She looked different. She was in shock. I watched the movie, but didn't see a bit of it. Returned to my house and messed around a little bit and noticed a condom smell from down below - yes she had me eat her out after f***ing Justin. I was in total denial at the time. While laying in bed she told me she wanted me to be her first - I was wowed, not knowing at the time it was long gone the night before. She talked about me, "Breaking her in," having sex with her a number of times and separate and not see each other for a period of time while we go on our own sexual adventures, get back together down the line and not have sex till we were married.

Thursday night I helped her clean up her bedroom. She left on the floor a pair of VERY VERY bloody underwear. I have lived with girls, this wasn't period blood - too watery. My jaw dropped, still in denial.

Friday night I woke to that smell and cramp. I left straight for Jacksonville and caught her off guard. Approaching the deserted intersection of Sweet Air and Papermill I called her and asked her," Whatcha doing?" She told me she was waiting at the very same intersection. That intersection was dead. I proceeded through and she swore she was there, turned around to find her zooming by - In a hurry are we?

I met up with her at her house and she had this glow to her - her innocence wasn't gone from her sexual encounter on Tuesday, it left her in shock. The second time, she really could enjoy it - and did. Everything - condom smell, underwear, glow, new gap in her butt, her uneasy aire all came together in a huge fight. I just walked out. She was able to manipulate it to make it my fault.

From this point on, our relationship was ruined. From end of November to March she tried to convince me that nothing happened - all in my head. In reflection the relationship wasn't destroyed on Tuesday, but Friday when she decided to go back for more.

Things that anger me the most, I ask her to marry me, she says yes and goes to f*** Justin. She says I get to have sexual relations to, "Break her in" but she has Justin, Chris, and Will do that for her. She towed me around, not sure what to do with me but she was sure she didn't want me with anyone else - in attempt to stay in chronilogical order this will be made clear.