I can see it in their eyes... the worry I would go back to such a person. I can't see her letting me understand what happened. And if she did...
QueenCPhoenix - an alternate profile on MySpace. When she dumped me on my birthday back in 2008 because while she was hypocritly exploring her own and didn't approve the exploration of mine. After attempts to hook up with someone falls through she tries to pull our relationship back together again.
I wouldn't want you to cramp yourself by having to come home by stooping down from the "Cool" status, to be with me. Worse yet let the past repeat to find someone "Kewler," again.
How would I know this wouldn't repeat? What could you do to humiliate yourself so that security would click - knowing you were here to stay. Considering I wasn't cool enough to see you naked, have any of the naked pictures you sent to your "Cool Friends" (concert tickets), have any meaningful sexual relations, maybe I shouldn't hold my breath, eh?
Maybe they have nothing to worry about.
Je t'aime idiot
Friday, February 26, 2010
Gav's Birthday & The Wiplash
Yesterday was Gavin's birthday. Decorating the day before was fun... fifty balloons and a series of streamers... I was a little disappointed in the lack of participation and input Amy put into this project but her parents provided a wonderful cake (she did stay on the ground to hold the streemers while I mounted them to the celing. This doesn't make her a bad person - simply and observation). I know Dara would have helped and maybe have stole the project away from me... (kind of a complement) wonderful outcome I'm sure though. She always had so many good ideas and input into his birthday. Last year there was just too much turmoil to execute any of the ideas.
Today after picking Kimmie up from work, we ran into her at her job. Gavin insisted in waiting behind to see her, so we let him while Kimmie and I return to the car. A minute later I walked toward the building the local Papa John's manager Ashley came out to inform me that he is not leaving. I opened the front door, whistled for him and he came to asking to stay longer. I refused to make eye contact with her - I don't know if her eyes remain shallow. It was like she said hi to me, like she waved her right hand up and side to side, asked me how she was doing... but she didn't really... some kind of projection... or just a fantasy in my head?
After about week 2 of f***ing Justin she would complain of suffering from whiplash... the constant things going really good to really horrible and shifting back in forth with us. To avoid future whiplash unless absolutely necessary I act as if she isn't even there - walk by her like a ghost. She would use the "Whiplash" and my manic depression against me alot throughout the remainder of our relationship. The best way to explain this would be lets say someone close, like a mother or a sister or a brother - someone you love and cherish to no end. Now they humiliate and betray you. You still love them, you want the best of the best, and things to work out. You block out the rage... enjoy the relationship and something, some key would come by to open that rage and then back to the fighting. But you want it to work - foreclosure of our relationship runs parallel to loosing your house and car and everything precious with it. You want it to be ok. But that rage just consumes you. She would blame this on me. Even though I know better now... a small part of me feels like a monster. Perhaps she should have considered not f***king Justin in the first place, or let me go before hooking up saving me the humiliation of being dragged thru Jacksonville as the relationship laughing stock.
It deeply angered me that she told her 'Cool Friends' that I had hit her. In my deepest rage in never occurred to me to inflict physical pain. Even after.... About a week after we stopped talking I lost something inside me... I started referring of her as The Bit(h. Also refered to her as Tough Bit(h. When she wanted to give me my stuff back a month later, looking back I suspect she was trying to get back together at some level. At the time I was glad to get it back and knew she had no other reason to get in contact with me and was harsh very with her to an extreme. Her random, "Hey there! How do you like facebook? I like it better than MySpace..." comments insulting - like pretending nothing ever happened. I told her that when she was ready to tell me what happened to enable me to get over this we could 'small talk' but till then leave me and my Facebook page alone.
She closed her Facebook account.
Kimmie treated Gav to Chuck E Cheese for his birthday today. I texted her and asked her if it was ok if I gave Gav her phone number. She never replied. Gav talked about her a bit in the car on the way. Something in his eyes, he still craves that relationship with her. I'm not clear if she would continue to mess with his head or not.
While I was heading home driving on Sweet Air road by the deer hill images of her started returning to my head. Images of her tiny arms and fingers, her eyes... having sex with others but too cool for me. I told myself she is a nothing now, everyone has been with her now - their is nothing special about her. She isn't your problem. She isn't even a cool person - she is a nothing and not your problem anymore. It half worked. Kimmie supplied a kiss and a hug at Harford Rd.
She would love to say, "Too bad, I guess we will never know," when she was trying to make me feel like a monster for destroying her 'First' (as in her sexual awakening) moments. I disagree. I think when the time is right, I will know everything I need to know- so take your "First's" and shove it. I don't want to be in your record book of being your first anything. You don't deserve to be able to cherish any memory of me, or the magic I bring being your first of anything. You're stuck with the memories with the people you fought so hard to be with that pushed you away. You got your 15 minutes of fame and have no idea what to do with the 999,999,999,999,998 other minutes of your life. The second dream makes sense now.
Je t'aime idiot
Friday, February 19, 2010
Gav's Project - Tens of Tens
Just something I think you would have enjoyed. We picked up some styrofoam black board and he needed to present a collection of items on it - we used Coke caps. I cleaned them up, dabbed the glue as he placed each cap on the board.
He had the option of presenting them in 20 rows of 5 or 10 rows of 10. He opted to go with the 10 rows of 10...
Next Wed, Gav birthday. Wed after that my birthday. Wed after that Phishy's birthday... I can't believe my last birthday I went without any so you could play Virgin... I believe you where f***ing Will at the time, in the parking lot of the basketball courts - between the Bank of America and the Jacksonville E. S. Wow, the things I put up with for you.
Je t'aime idiot!
Your Eyes Are Shallow...
You always said I was crazy, or very curious - usually with %90+ accuracy. Working on this blog I wanted to find a photo. I noticed your eyes are shallow. This usually means a person is pending death (not guaranteed death, or even half the time. But if you continue your path, you may die. Like a period of judgment).
I remember back in October you made a decision that was going to take many years off your life - though I was not privy to what it was, and the decision you made.
I know the thing that I saw back in early 2008 that wanted to hurt you, but was distant like you were on back burner - we know what that was, and it is almost finished.
In a year or so another black thing is coming your way. It is different from the one before, it doesn't discriminate - it's not human, almost like a disease. It's like a freight train that will run over and destroy everything on its tracks regardless of who, what, or how precious it is. It's heading your way.
I know for every 4 months you are in my circle, you gain a year of life.
I could never share this with you because of the abuse I suffered from you when I picked up various men and what you were doing with them. Any other time I was usually dead on. I found colors in you - I could see them with my fingers. Pain was black, sometimes when you were not into other men I could pull it out.
Since your abandonment I have found new colors and new ways to manipulate them. Too bad I can't share them with you.
Je t'aime idiot!
I remember back in October you made a decision that was going to take many years off your life - though I was not privy to what it was, and the decision you made.
I know the thing that I saw back in early 2008 that wanted to hurt you, but was distant like you were on back burner - we know what that was, and it is almost finished.
In a year or so another black thing is coming your way. It is different from the one before, it doesn't discriminate - it's not human, almost like a disease. It's like a freight train that will run over and destroy everything on its tracks regardless of who, what, or how precious it is. It's heading your way.
I know for every 4 months you are in my circle, you gain a year of life.
I could never share this with you because of the abuse I suffered from you when I picked up various men and what you were doing with them. Any other time I was usually dead on. I found colors in you - I could see them with my fingers. Pain was black, sometimes when you were not into other men I could pull it out.
Since your abandonment I have found new colors and new ways to manipulate them. Too bad I can't share them with you.
Je t'aime idiot!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Why Does She Anger You So?
I see you in the Cockeysville Walmart, and you see her. Your face begins to turn red, and you start clinging to your male company so hard they look at you in bewilderment like you have just fell off the face of Mars and onto their dinner table.
What is it about my female company that disturbs you so? Their glow from hours before? Knowing I touched them head to toe, like I did with you - opening a rush of tingles? Knowing how hard I grabbed them while I pushed myself into her so fast and hard and long she looses control - screaming in convolutions while my changing blue eyes pierce their soul? Knowing after how I touched them, swirling their colors, opening a connection that later allows me to find their pain, and pull it out like the joker in a set of cards? Or not knowing the reason why they glow so much brighter that you, and you may never know why? Or perhaps you're no longer the object of all my time, and affections, and my time, and my poetry, and my time, and my spells. Yes, I gave you so much of my time... Enlighten me, please.
You have a very interesting blog . You can delete it if you like, but everything is already saved. Is that me? Or is that a number of people as you evolve, your interests fade and return. How long will it be me? I have been told it reads similar to mine, this is not my intent.
Je t'aime idiot!
What is it about my female company that disturbs you so? Their glow from hours before? Knowing I touched them head to toe, like I did with you - opening a rush of tingles? Knowing how hard I grabbed them while I pushed myself into her so fast and hard and long she looses control - screaming in convolutions while my changing blue eyes pierce their soul? Knowing after how I touched them, swirling their colors, opening a connection that later allows me to find their pain, and pull it out like the joker in a set of cards? Or not knowing the reason why they glow so much brighter that you, and you may never know why? Or perhaps you're no longer the object of all my time, and affections, and my time, and my poetry, and my time, and my spells. Yes, I gave you so much of my time... Enlighten me, please.
You have a very interesting blog . You can delete it if you like, but everything is already saved. Is that me? Or is that a number of people as you evolve, your interests fade and return. How long will it be me? I have been told it reads similar to mine, this is not my intent.
Je t'aime idiot!
Abandonment - Why Do They Leave Me?!?
It has been brought to my attention that many relationships that she has engaged in end up and a total sudden silence. No phone calls, e-mails, text messages, or even goodbyes. Just total cut off.
Maybe they are resentful of the rash that you give your men, the one you pretend you have no clue when in reality you see it pop up in just about every guy you sleep with.
Maybe its an integrity issue. Maybe all the nasty things you have done and care not to be reminded of follow you. People look at you and just don't like you.
Or maybe they just don't love you. Maybe the thought of you not being in their life is like a shrug of the shoulders - just another girl. Maybe my love and tolerance and giving you the benefit of the doubt all of the time was a major disservice to you. The thought of you not being in my life was like the idea of living without air - just unbearable. Those blunt and angry manipulations may work when you're in their presence but as soon as we leave you we are left with something a wrong very!
So instead of arguing, or trying to understand, or giving you the benefit of the doubt like someone who loves you - you find yourself cut cold.
The cold irony that the person who is less in love within a relationship has the upper hand, has an irony within - silence.
Je t'aime idiot
Maybe they are resentful of the rash that you give your men, the one you pretend you have no clue when in reality you see it pop up in just about every guy you sleep with.
Maybe its an integrity issue. Maybe all the nasty things you have done and care not to be reminded of follow you. People look at you and just don't like you.
Or maybe they just don't love you. Maybe the thought of you not being in their life is like a shrug of the shoulders - just another girl. Maybe my love and tolerance and giving you the benefit of the doubt all of the time was a major disservice to you. The thought of you not being in my life was like the idea of living without air - just unbearable. Those blunt and angry manipulations may work when you're in their presence but as soon as we leave you we are left with something a wrong very!
So instead of arguing, or trying to understand, or giving you the benefit of the doubt like someone who loves you - you find yourself cut cold.
The cold irony that the person who is less in love within a relationship has the upper hand, has an irony within - silence.
Je t'aime idiot
Total Disclosure - Ultimate Humiliation
Friends and friends of friends who have read my troubles, and who witnessed my pain ask me, "Why don't you just push it out there. Tell everything, every little secret. Secrets don't matter anymore after you break up."
I gave this great thought. She was beyond mean, she was cruel. Watching her glow from other men is just as bad as walking in on you guys. Hell, pull a Norbit and tell he how bad you will hurt me for knowing while your at it. You had sex with my friends. You brought other men into my house and screwed them in my son's room when nobody was home (another story, for another day). Why should I hold back from what I disclose to potential boyfriends, old curious friends, ex boyfriends, potential employers to see. Your name is not common very - easy to find your associations to the Optimist Club, past Towson State projects... and now this - all with a simple search of Dara DeBus Phoenix, MD for anyone who wants to know.
My conclusion: Integrity. She didn't keep her end of the deal doesn't necessarily release me from my end. The objective to this is not to humiliate, but to inform people of things they might need to know and what was done - not her secrets. She shouldn't be angry at this though, after all she told me on a number of times she didn't care what I said and that it was not big deal. If she is to be angered by it, she will be just as angry with or without including personal secrets - ture. But I still hold my integrety.
There are many out there who can take one look at me and just know when I'm speaking the truth. Integrity is like an aire around you that many can perceive. I wish to preserve that aire and that is my election. This holds true to other attributes, too.
Je t'aime idiot
I gave this great thought. She was beyond mean, she was cruel. Watching her glow from other men is just as bad as walking in on you guys. Hell, pull a Norbit and tell he how bad you will hurt me for knowing while your at it. You had sex with my friends. You brought other men into my house and screwed them in my son's room when nobody was home (another story, for another day). Why should I hold back from what I disclose to potential boyfriends, old curious friends, ex boyfriends, potential employers to see. Your name is not common very - easy to find your associations to the Optimist Club, past Towson State projects... and now this - all with a simple search of Dara DeBus Phoenix, MD for anyone who wants to know.
My conclusion: Integrity. She didn't keep her end of the deal doesn't necessarily release me from my end. The objective to this is not to humiliate, but to inform people of things they might need to know and what was done - not her secrets. She shouldn't be angry at this though, after all she told me on a number of times she didn't care what I said and that it was not big deal. If she is to be angered by it, she will be just as angry with or without including personal secrets - ture. But I still hold my integrety.
There are many out there who can take one look at me and just know when I'm speaking the truth. Integrity is like an aire around you that many can perceive. I wish to preserve that aire and that is my election. This holds true to other attributes, too.
Je t'aime idiot
The Week After the Stray
Every time we had a small argument, disagreement - whether I was right or wrong. Or a passionate moment in our innocent relationship it was not uncommon for a light to burn out. The weeks before the stray we blew out a number of bulbs.
When she would lie about her whereabouts when she was f***ing Justin, bigger things where breaking. The Friday night when she lost her innocence swearing to me she was at that empty intersection when I called her - her computer died.
I took pride of being the fix-it person of the house. But when the resident gremlin broke something as a result of her strays I would strangely have no desire to fix it. I would look at it in disgust, with a sickening feeling almost overwhelming. The computer had a memory error - it would no longer read both slots, just one or the other. Making it functional again the computer lost half its memory.
That Tuesday night she came back a different very person. Sometimes I wish I could go back to Chris's house and try to find her. A new sexual awareness had taken place. The lil corny sex jokes that once flew over her head began to hold gravity. I would lay next to her and minutes later discover she had NOTHING on from the waist down. Much more open to fool around.
She wasn't just a lair, she was an evil lair. She would push guilt trips for knowing something was wrong. She would gain confidence in switching the players around. I initially thought Chris was the primary person she was screwing. She was obsessed with him, his camera, his charm. But it was his buddy Justin.
Or months later after being rejected from this circle she would flirt with an older guy name Mark, frequently. I knew she was seeing somebody, I thought it was Mark - but it was really a guy name Will. This is how she cheats, and knows you don't know because you just don't have the players right.
A week later I helped her up off the floor and noticed her hip bone was slightly bigger. My heart fell back to the floor and started another fight. What kind of person did I think she was, she would say. She would involve her family into it. She had a very innocent reputation with her family at the time. They wouldn't listen, I didn't even bother.
But one fight after another things of great importance - things she valued would suddenly break, or go missing. Jewelry, her pink I-pod, her phone and computer would constantly break. She would deny it was related - but it was no longer unnoticeable. Has anyone else been in a relationship with a chronic cheater and noticed every time they would lie, and cover it up by blanketing you with guilt or anger or rage something of great value of theirs breaks?
Je t'aime idiot
When she would lie about her whereabouts when she was f***ing Justin, bigger things where breaking. The Friday night when she lost her innocence swearing to me she was at that empty intersection when I called her - her computer died.
I took pride of being the fix-it person of the house. But when the resident gremlin broke something as a result of her strays I would strangely have no desire to fix it. I would look at it in disgust, with a sickening feeling almost overwhelming. The computer had a memory error - it would no longer read both slots, just one or the other. Making it functional again the computer lost half its memory.
That Tuesday night she came back a different very person. Sometimes I wish I could go back to Chris's house and try to find her. A new sexual awareness had taken place. The lil corny sex jokes that once flew over her head began to hold gravity. I would lay next to her and minutes later discover she had NOTHING on from the waist down. Much more open to fool around.
She wasn't just a lair, she was an evil lair. She would push guilt trips for knowing something was wrong. She would gain confidence in switching the players around. I initially thought Chris was the primary person she was screwing. She was obsessed with him, his camera, his charm. But it was his buddy Justin.
Or months later after being rejected from this circle she would flirt with an older guy name Mark, frequently. I knew she was seeing somebody, I thought it was Mark - but it was really a guy name Will. This is how she cheats, and knows you don't know because you just don't have the players right.
A week later I helped her up off the floor and noticed her hip bone was slightly bigger. My heart fell back to the floor and started another fight. What kind of person did I think she was, she would say. She would involve her family into it. She had a very innocent reputation with her family at the time. They wouldn't listen, I didn't even bother.
But one fight after another things of great importance - things she valued would suddenly break, or go missing. Jewelry, her pink I-pod, her phone and computer would constantly break. She would deny it was related - but it was no longer unnoticeable. Has anyone else been in a relationship with a chronic cheater and noticed every time they would lie, and cover it up by blanketing you with guilt or anger or rage something of great value of theirs breaks?
Je t'aime idiot
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Sparking the Anger - Opening the Humiliation of the Child
When these events were transpiring, how do you explain to a 5-6 year old what is going on. From the beginning, when I was a child my mother would explain everything to me to the best of her ability - in detail that I would understand. Looking back, she was very accurate. I did the same with my son.
Gav took to Dara like no other. He wouldn't call her 'Mommy' but referenced her to his friends as his mother (like, "You better be nice to me, that's my Mommy"). I'm not clear as to how the abandonment of both Dara and his mother will affect him as he continues to develop. He has his own feelings, thoughts, and opinions. Don't let the age of 6 deceive you - they are very much little people. He was able to deal with the neighborhood kids when they realized she was gone, they would call him a liar... he swallowed it and changed the subject. Maybe the girl did teach him a few good tricks of the trade.
As I would attempt to run in my head how to explain to Gav what is going on, he asks - and was able to comprehend from his own various social settings from school and daycare what Dara's motives were. I didn't even have to go into depth that she was 'Kissing' other guys . He understood that daddy couldn't just hang around while she kissed other guys and wanted to be with other guys for their cool cars and money. Daddy just didn't have that being a single parent.
There were 2 occasions where Dara would attempt to manipulate Gav. Once starting a fight in her basement. At the end Gav was adamant, "She didn't do it daddy!" Over and over... I would ask him what Dara didn't do and he wasn't able to answer me, just that she didn't do it. This is how persuasive she is.
The second time was she wanted to tell Gav this wasn't her fault. Yeah, my inability to cope with you taking nights out screwing Jacksonville repeatedly was not your fault? She didn't realize that by saying it wasn't her fault - she was trying to imply it was mine? It's my fault she isn't around anymore?
He brought her up today. We were going to install one of those fake rocks on the windshield of her car. He expressed anger over how she hurt daddy. I'm not clear if he is angry because of her actions that hurt daddy, or her sudden absence. I told her that if we were unable to work out she could still have a relationship with my son. However she wanted to use him as a little pawn. Should I have allowed this?
Je t'aime idiot
Gav took to Dara like no other. He wouldn't call her 'Mommy' but referenced her to his friends as his mother (like, "You better be nice to me, that's my Mommy"). I'm not clear as to how the abandonment of both Dara and his mother will affect him as he continues to develop. He has his own feelings, thoughts, and opinions. Don't let the age of 6 deceive you - they are very much little people. He was able to deal with the neighborhood kids when they realized she was gone, they would call him a liar... he swallowed it and changed the subject. Maybe the girl did teach him a few good tricks of the trade.
As I would attempt to run in my head how to explain to Gav what is going on, he asks - and was able to comprehend from his own various social settings from school and daycare what Dara's motives were. I didn't even have to go into depth that she was 'Kissing' other guys . He understood that daddy couldn't just hang around while she kissed other guys and wanted to be with other guys for their cool cars and money. Daddy just didn't have that being a single parent.
There were 2 occasions where Dara would attempt to manipulate Gav. Once starting a fight in her basement. At the end Gav was adamant, "She didn't do it daddy!" Over and over... I would ask him what Dara didn't do and he wasn't able to answer me, just that she didn't do it. This is how persuasive she is.
The second time was she wanted to tell Gav this wasn't her fault. Yeah, my inability to cope with you taking nights out screwing Jacksonville repeatedly was not your fault? She didn't realize that by saying it wasn't her fault - she was trying to imply it was mine? It's my fault she isn't around anymore?
He brought her up today. We were going to install one of those fake rocks on the windshield of her car. He expressed anger over how she hurt daddy. I'm not clear if he is angry because of her actions that hurt daddy, or her sudden absence. I told her that if we were unable to work out she could still have a relationship with my son. However she wanted to use him as a little pawn. Should I have allowed this?
Je t'aime idiot
Circle Closed - You're on your own
One of my friends had read my blog and said that it was kinda hard to follow. So I thought I would write it out more defined and less switching between past and current.
My friend V, of over 15 years slashed my front drivers side tire. It works under the principle of the,"Cheaters' Paranoia." He was holding sexual relations during and after I was seeing her. So he feels I am holding a sexual relationship with his 17 year old girl. Screwing something as precious as it was, wasn't enough, had to top it off with some property damage. He is no longer my friend - he is on his own. I will no longer defend him, shelter him, back him up, lend him money, or any other form of support. He is now out of my circle.
There was a point were I could only take so much of watching Dara return from these parties with her gap in the ass and excited warm glow - when she left my circle a series of very bad events opened.
The circle is like my official way of taking in a friend. I'm very selective who is in. In many ways it enables me to protect and support them.
As for their relationship - I don't think Darwin would approve but maybe they can both mature by moving out of their prospective parents house and share the same dwelling together... have lil hairy children... like I said, Darwin would not approve. But Darwin, like many other influences in this world are dead.
My friend V, of over 15 years slashed my front drivers side tire. It works under the principle of the,"Cheaters' Paranoia." He was holding sexual relations during and after I was seeing her. So he feels I am holding a sexual relationship with his 17 year old girl. Screwing something as precious as it was, wasn't enough, had to top it off with some property damage. He is no longer my friend - he is on his own. I will no longer defend him, shelter him, back him up, lend him money, or any other form of support. He is now out of my circle.
There was a point were I could only take so much of watching Dara return from these parties with her gap in the ass and excited warm glow - when she left my circle a series of very bad events opened.
The circle is like my official way of taking in a friend. I'm very selective who is in. In many ways it enables me to protect and support them.
As for their relationship - I don't think Darwin would approve but maybe they can both mature by moving out of their prospective parents house and share the same dwelling together... have lil hairy children... like I said, Darwin would not approve. But Darwin, like many other influences in this world are dead.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Where did we unravel?
I think this is a great spot to list all of my adventures - things I have done and created that I think you would have liked to be included in. To finish were I left off...
We ran out of bread to make french toast. So I found some hot dog rolls, scraped the skin off of the tops and made french toast sticks... a rich egg batter, family recipe... turned out wonderful!
Shoveling out... easier than I thought - the wind blew off most of the snow. I wish you were included in these moments.
This time last year, Valentines Day. I didn't wish you, or expect you to be alone waiting for me most of the day. I did expect you to make some room for me though - a telephone call, a surprise at my door or at my work would have been nice. This year, much nicer - thank you!
I'll never forget your conversation with V at Denny's though - I left you just a Balloon, and a cheap box of chocolates with a stuffed animal. She didn't care how big the balloon was, or how much work I put into balancing, wording on the blank card, though with everything going on I couldn't open a poem for you. She made it quite clear that she expected riches and an elaborate gifts. Like the now out-of-date Rockband Drum set She lost her virginity for - I'm glad they beat me to it b/c even if I had got it for her I still wouldn't have been cool enough to have any sexual relations as her boyfriend. I tried to tell her the connection you can have with your first - like the one I still have with today with mine. Somehow I suspect she has little to no relations with Justin after I broke up with her. You missed out Dara baby. You were not going to listen to me at all - you considered anything I had to say as an attempt to manipulate you away from the tide that swoop you up, and apparently spit you out cold.
On the subject of sexual relations, at first I was pretty devastated that she completely excluded me out of your sex life. But after speaking to the few that were WILLing to talk to me, I have been told you're a meadeoaker f*** that comes with a bad rash under the balls. V will tell you it's not a rash, its a fungus. Nothing a Dr's visit to obtain a steroid-cream/antifungul-cream and an antibiotic can't cure. This is not considered and STD. It can remain untreated for months and even years with no harm other than a periodic itch. If it spreads it can kill you - it put me in the ER. [V is one of my close friends she started having sex with - will elaborate down the line. ]
I have decided I may make notes like above, but generally I am going to stay in chronological order. At times I may have to jump out of order to explain a current event. Try to stay with me, ask questions if you like.
A guy named Chris Zaccari and cliche that hangs around him had caught the attention of Dara as they hang around the local 7-11. They have a reputation for being something similar to a 'Swing Group'. He had followers, money, little overhead costs of living, tattoos - I couldn't compete with this. Chris invited her to a 'Party' one Sunday night when she was off work early to mid November.
She wouldn't give me an address, a full name, and when she lost touch with me I freaked. She was only there for 10 minutes, exchanging some personal information and then left. Her grandmother knowing Chris's grandfather encouraged Dara to go over there. I don't think her grandmother understood what Chris was involved with, or what he is about.
Dara made it quite clear it was inappropriate to be upset or flip out. In the year we had been together I never really flipped out on her. She opened the guilt trip - and it worked: about a $100 dinner at The Cheesecake Factory in Towson. Money clearly not well spent.
The weekend 2 weeks before Thanksgiving 2007 she hooked up with Justin who purchased her then $200 Rockband Drum Kit. A few days before she asked me to pick it up for her or do a "Joint Custody" thing with it. I reserved this for special events or special times - and having just put down a $500 deposit on an engagement ring the month before - she was the only girl I dated that I ever asked to marry me, she said yes. So who was really wasting who's firsts?
Sometimes after a bad day like the return from an unpleasant visit of the dentist I would surprise her with a special present. A nice surprise - an attempt to push her mind away from the pain. They beat me to it, I was pissed - now, glad because I would only be wasting my money.
That night after I got off of work and returned to her house I had an almost instant headache when I came into contact with her new toy. She said her father had purchased it. Later that night we slept together - we almost had always slept together. It was an innocent relationship - no sex. It stayed this way long after her sexual awakening. Any small attempts to engage in one she regarded as, "Highly Inappropriate!" In reality, I just wasn't cool enough :/
I awoke with really really bad dreams - the dreams I had before, when we fell apart the last time we had strayed apart from one another. She treated me coldly, like it was in my head. Later that weekend she set a date (Tuesday) to meet over Chris's house to learn some photography tricks. I was clearly not invited, when asked to meet him or check this out I was refused. I was given the speech, "Whats the matter, you don't trust me." Trying to explain to her that it wasn't her that I didn't trust, it was them. Seduction is an art, and some were good at it - with experience, chemistry, and status, and the right amount to drink anyone is subject to break. I couldn't explain this to her in her innocence with her lack of understanding. I tried... and I didn't give up without a fight. If I remember correctly it was her that left me b/c she couldn't deal with the anger she would spark in me while having the sexual relations - there was not logical explanation that she could conceive that I would know. I didn't have proof, so therefor I was being unreasonable. If I recal, "I don't need you anymore."
Tuesday came, she went over around 6. Around 11 this God awful feeling overwhelmed me, I could smell her, deep cramps. She lost touch - I cried myself to sleep.
Wednesday we met up at Whitemarsh AMC to catch Madagascar 2. I saw her and cried while she ignored me, focusing her attention on the new movie posters. She looked different. She was in shock. I watched the movie, but didn't see a bit of it. Returned to my house and messed around a little bit and noticed a condom smell from down below - yes she had me eat her out after f***ing Justin. I was in total denial at the time. While laying in bed she told me she wanted me to be her first - I was wowed, not knowing at the time it was long gone the night before. She talked about me, "Breaking her in," having sex with her a number of times and separate and not see each other for a period of time while we go on our own sexual adventures, get back together down the line and not have sex till we were married.
Thursday night I helped her clean up her bedroom. She left on the floor a pair of VERY VERY bloody underwear. I have lived with girls, this wasn't period blood - too watery. My jaw dropped, still in denial.
Friday night I woke to that smell and cramp. I left straight for Jacksonville and caught her off guard. Approaching the deserted intersection of Sweet Air and Papermill I called her and asked her," Whatcha doing?" She told me she was waiting at the very same intersection. That intersection was dead. I proceeded through and she swore she was there, turned around to find her zooming by - In a hurry are we?
I met up with her at her house and she had this glow to her - her innocence wasn't gone from her sexual encounter on Tuesday, it left her in shock. The second time, she really could enjoy it - and did. Everything - condom smell, underwear, glow, new gap in her butt, her uneasy aire all came together in a huge fight. I just walked out. She was able to manipulate it to make it my fault.
From this point on, our relationship was ruined. From end of November to March she tried to convince me that nothing happened - all in my head. In reflection the relationship wasn't destroyed on Tuesday, but Friday when she decided to go back for more.
Things that anger me the most, I ask her to marry me, she says yes and goes to f*** Justin. She says I get to have sexual relations to, "Break her in" but she has Justin, Chris, and Will do that for her. She towed me around, not sure what to do with me but she was sure she didn't want me with anyone else - in attempt to stay in chronilogical order this will be made clear.
We ran out of bread to make french toast. So I found some hot dog rolls, scraped the skin off of the tops and made french toast sticks... a rich egg batter, family recipe... turned out wonderful!
Shoveling out... easier than I thought - the wind blew off most of the snow. I wish you were included in these moments.
This time last year, Valentines Day. I didn't wish you, or expect you to be alone waiting for me most of the day. I did expect you to make some room for me though - a telephone call, a surprise at my door or at my work would have been nice. This year, much nicer - thank you!
I'll never forget your conversation with V at Denny's though - I left you just a Balloon, and a cheap box of chocolates with a stuffed animal. She didn't care how big the balloon was, or how much work I put into balancing, wording on the blank card, though with everything going on I couldn't open a poem for you. She made it quite clear that she expected riches and an elaborate gifts. Like the now out-of-date Rockband Drum set She lost her virginity for - I'm glad they beat me to it b/c even if I had got it for her I still wouldn't have been cool enough to have any sexual relations as her boyfriend. I tried to tell her the connection you can have with your first - like the one I still have with today with mine. Somehow I suspect she has little to no relations with Justin after I broke up with her. You missed out Dara baby. You were not going to listen to me at all - you considered anything I had to say as an attempt to manipulate you away from the tide that swoop you up, and apparently spit you out cold.
On the subject of sexual relations, at first I was pretty devastated that she completely excluded me out of your sex life. But after speaking to the few that were WILLing to talk to me, I have been told you're a meadeoaker f*** that comes with a bad rash under the balls. V will tell you it's not a rash, its a fungus. Nothing a Dr's visit to obtain a steroid-cream/antifungul-cream and an antibiotic can't cure. This is not considered and STD. It can remain untreated for months and even years with no harm other than a periodic itch. If it spreads it can kill you - it put me in the ER. [V is one of my close friends she started having sex with - will elaborate down the line. ]
I have decided I may make notes like above, but generally I am going to stay in chronological order. At times I may have to jump out of order to explain a current event. Try to stay with me, ask questions if you like.
A guy named Chris Zaccari and cliche that hangs around him had caught the attention of Dara as they hang around the local 7-11. They have a reputation for being something similar to a 'Swing Group'. He had followers, money, little overhead costs of living, tattoos - I couldn't compete with this. Chris invited her to a 'Party' one Sunday night when she was off work early to mid November.
She wouldn't give me an address, a full name, and when she lost touch with me I freaked. She was only there for 10 minutes, exchanging some personal information and then left. Her grandmother knowing Chris's grandfather encouraged Dara to go over there. I don't think her grandmother understood what Chris was involved with, or what he is about.
Dara made it quite clear it was inappropriate to be upset or flip out. In the year we had been together I never really flipped out on her. She opened the guilt trip - and it worked: about a $100 dinner at The Cheesecake Factory in Towson. Money clearly not well spent.
The weekend 2 weeks before Thanksgiving 2007 she hooked up with Justin who purchased her then $200 Rockband Drum Kit. A few days before she asked me to pick it up for her or do a "Joint Custody" thing with it. I reserved this for special events or special times - and having just put down a $500 deposit on an engagement ring the month before - she was the only girl I dated that I ever asked to marry me, she said yes. So who was really wasting who's firsts?
Sometimes after a bad day like the return from an unpleasant visit of the dentist I would surprise her with a special present. A nice surprise - an attempt to push her mind away from the pain. They beat me to it, I was pissed - now, glad because I would only be wasting my money.
That night after I got off of work and returned to her house I had an almost instant headache when I came into contact with her new toy. She said her father had purchased it. Later that night we slept together - we almost had always slept together. It was an innocent relationship - no sex. It stayed this way long after her sexual awakening. Any small attempts to engage in one she regarded as, "Highly Inappropriate!" In reality, I just wasn't cool enough :/
I awoke with really really bad dreams - the dreams I had before, when we fell apart the last time we had strayed apart from one another. She treated me coldly, like it was in my head. Later that weekend she set a date (Tuesday) to meet over Chris's house to learn some photography tricks. I was clearly not invited, when asked to meet him or check this out I was refused. I was given the speech, "Whats the matter, you don't trust me." Trying to explain to her that it wasn't her that I didn't trust, it was them. Seduction is an art, and some were good at it - with experience, chemistry, and status, and the right amount to drink anyone is subject to break. I couldn't explain this to her in her innocence with her lack of understanding. I tried... and I didn't give up without a fight. If I remember correctly it was her that left me b/c she couldn't deal with the anger she would spark in me while having the sexual relations - there was not logical explanation that she could conceive that I would know. I didn't have proof, so therefor I was being unreasonable. If I recal, "I don't need you anymore."
Tuesday came, she went over around 6. Around 11 this God awful feeling overwhelmed me, I could smell her, deep cramps. She lost touch - I cried myself to sleep.
Wednesday we met up at Whitemarsh AMC to catch Madagascar 2. I saw her and cried while she ignored me, focusing her attention on the new movie posters. She looked different. She was in shock. I watched the movie, but didn't see a bit of it. Returned to my house and messed around a little bit and noticed a condom smell from down below - yes she had me eat her out after f***ing Justin. I was in total denial at the time. While laying in bed she told me she wanted me to be her first - I was wowed, not knowing at the time it was long gone the night before. She talked about me, "Breaking her in," having sex with her a number of times and separate and not see each other for a period of time while we go on our own sexual adventures, get back together down the line and not have sex till we were married.
Thursday night I helped her clean up her bedroom. She left on the floor a pair of VERY VERY bloody underwear. I have lived with girls, this wasn't period blood - too watery. My jaw dropped, still in denial.
Friday night I woke to that smell and cramp. I left straight for Jacksonville and caught her off guard. Approaching the deserted intersection of Sweet Air and Papermill I called her and asked her," Whatcha doing?" She told me she was waiting at the very same intersection. That intersection was dead. I proceeded through and she swore she was there, turned around to find her zooming by - In a hurry are we?
I met up with her at her house and she had this glow to her - her innocence wasn't gone from her sexual encounter on Tuesday, it left her in shock. The second time, she really could enjoy it - and did. Everything - condom smell, underwear, glow, new gap in her butt, her uneasy aire all came together in a huge fight. I just walked out. She was able to manipulate it to make it my fault.
From this point on, our relationship was ruined. From end of November to March she tried to convince me that nothing happened - all in my head. In reflection the relationship wasn't destroyed on Tuesday, but Friday when she decided to go back for more.
Things that anger me the most, I ask her to marry me, she says yes and goes to f*** Justin. She says I get to have sexual relations to, "Break her in" but she has Justin, Chris, and Will do that for her. She towed me around, not sure what to do with me but she was sure she didn't want me with anyone else - in attempt to stay in chronilogical order this will be made clear.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Air the Dirty Laundry
Dara Debus, sometimes misspelled Dara Dubus. Pronounced Dar-a by her "Cool Friends" but generally pronounced like Tara, but with a D. She is 25 years old, brown hair, brown eyes that sometimes change color if you pay attention. Maybe 5' 6" tall, weight varies and hidden well. Tiny features, small slender hands, arms, legs. Cute lil bump about half inch past the bridge of her nose.
I'm not going to post her employment or the whereabouts she lives - I don't want to see her hounded. I will not approve of any posts that disclose locational information. Phoenix, MD in the little town of Jacksonville is good enough.
If she was confronted about this blog, her first response would be that maybe this isn't the right Dara. Her second response would be to identify me, bash me, how bad and abusive and unreasonable of a boyfriend I was - even after attempting to stand by her through something that was so painful for me. But if you read on, you may be able to assert your own opinion.
I'm not one to promote disclosing, announcing, broadcasting my problems and feelings on the internet. However there were a series of events that started a bit over a year ago that I still struggle to get over and can not work them out with Dara.
Not to clear about her opinion on this blog if she were to run across it. She has stated what she has done to me is, "No big deal!" So perhaps it will be no big deal posting something she considers, "No big deal!" - my troubles and humiliation she put me through.
I have given careful thought to what I don't want this blog to be. This is not a ring to torment the girl - reiterate her current or previous reputations she has established in her little town of Jacksonville. A converging spot where information can be shared between ex's - perhaps this will free me from my pain.
Perhaps future boyfriends when they feel like they are being taken advantage of can obtain more information - she swears on everything she has and owns she is still a virgin or she is not messing around. Turning her family and attempting to turn your family, and child against you to prove a lie. Crying, screaming putting on a very convincing act - that convinces through the time spent with her, and the moment you leave a dreadful haunting feeling overwhelms you: you know something is very very wrong.
My friends and I had an awesome cleaning party, put the brushes down and drank till we dropped. I need to shake this hang-over, make them breakfast, and fill my end of the deal: digging all 3 of them out of the snow so we can all continue our daily grind. I love the snow, and the unity and awesomeness it brings... the cool things you can do with it, slide on it at high speeds, mold it, shape it... even if I have to move 180 cubic feet of snow after clearing a walk to the cars! We need more snowcations!
I'm not going to post her employment or the whereabouts she lives - I don't want to see her hounded. I will not approve of any posts that disclose locational information. Phoenix, MD in the little town of Jacksonville is good enough.
If she was confronted about this blog, her first response would be that maybe this isn't the right Dara. Her second response would be to identify me, bash me, how bad and abusive and unreasonable of a boyfriend I was - even after attempting to stand by her through something that was so painful for me. But if you read on, you may be able to assert your own opinion.
I'm not one to promote disclosing, announcing, broadcasting my problems and feelings on the internet. However there were a series of events that started a bit over a year ago that I still struggle to get over and can not work them out with Dara.
Not to clear about her opinion on this blog if she were to run across it. She has stated what she has done to me is, "No big deal!" So perhaps it will be no big deal posting something she considers, "No big deal!" - my troubles and humiliation she put me through.
I have given careful thought to what I don't want this blog to be. This is not a ring to torment the girl - reiterate her current or previous reputations she has established in her little town of Jacksonville. A converging spot where information can be shared between ex's - perhaps this will free me from my pain.
Perhaps future boyfriends when they feel like they are being taken advantage of can obtain more information - she swears on everything she has and owns she is still a virgin or she is not messing around. Turning her family and attempting to turn your family, and child against you to prove a lie. Crying, screaming putting on a very convincing act - that convinces through the time spent with her, and the moment you leave a dreadful haunting feeling overwhelms you: you know something is very very wrong.
My friends and I had an awesome cleaning party, put the brushes down and drank till we dropped. I need to shake this hang-over, make them breakfast, and fill my end of the deal: digging all 3 of them out of the snow so we can all continue our daily grind. I love the snow, and the unity and awesomeness it brings... the cool things you can do with it, slide on it at high speeds, mold it, shape it... even if I have to move 180 cubic feet of snow after clearing a walk to the cars! We need more snowcations!
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