Indicators

Something else my buddy had said that I met up with the other day when I wrote Words From the Wise http://daradebus.blogspot.com/2010/03/words-from-wise.html

He had suggested the age gap. When I met Dara she was 24, I was 30 = 6 year gap... I can't dismiss this, but even Dara noted herself that most of her Facebook friends were getting married and having children. She probably wont stand at the alter and not wonder what a unique and cool wedding we could of had, what kind of father and husband I would have been, or father I could have been to our children. Her grandmother brought up the point to her that Gavin would always be my favorite. She needs to go with a rich man. I tried to explain to her that rich people have money. Money is a possession... people are stripped of their possessions all of the time... and rich people cope by placing a bullet in their head when they loose there money. I managed to raise a 5 year old little boy without living with mom and dad with a high school education and an A+ Certificate from Comp TIA. Not rich, not poor, and I know how to survive... knock on wood of course!

When I met her and for our first year together she didn't have sex, declared she didn't want to have sex until she was married. I thought she was looking to settle. We didn't even start getting into each others pants until October '08 (We met November '07) or should I say she let me get into hers a little bit. I thought she was shy when she had little interest in my body but it really opened concern when she was so interested and would gaulk at pictures from Chris's Myspace of Chris and Will standing naked concealing their pence's with only an old telephone and a bottle of booze (Myspace prohibits nudity... but since they are covered...) That in itself should have been an indicator to walk away, but this was late February '09.

She was always late. I would joke with her, "You're going to be late to your own wedding, and funeral!"

She would reply, "No way. I would never be late to my own wedding!!!" The wedding of my friend in Reading, PA... I can't say she made me late... but she was a significant contributor - we missed the entire ceremony and the Reading Bride gave up, called us when we where balancing off the rails at the Pagoda so disappointed in her voice when she called me, "I guess you're not coming" and I replied with,

"No, we are at the Pagoda waiting for direction."

The bride screamed!

We were shortly on my way.

Had a bit to drink... socialised with the guests, retreated to a campsite for the night.

I let her sleep on top of me the entire night because the ground hurt her back. I laid perfectly still all night long without an issue. I woke up comfortably. I usually toss and turn and have issues if I lay to still for to long.

I never once growled at her for making me late for the wedding. I got to keep her that night, I was happy. I let her breath. She had a date once to Tyson's Corner to meed a rockstar with another guy. Asked a few questions, but I was ok with it. It didn't ring of problems. I wanted to let her breath.

If I ever had house work... I could never get her to join in and make it fun... unusual.

Age gap... I would disagree... Maturity however...

Not being cool enough
Hard time holding a job
Being late for just about everything
All the lies
Deep attraction to other men

Should have been a clue before I bought that ring. I listened to my heart, I took a chance, placed a bet, stood by her...

Rafaela woke me up this morning asking me, "Why is it that the people I'm interested in are not interested in me; and the people who are interested in me I am not interested in them? John, I really don't understand this!" My reply, "This reminds me of a movie called 'Rules of Engagement' about collage dorm life centered around 4 or 5 different people who rejected one another. It's what makes the few relationship that you had that perfect click and mutual attraction so precious."

So maybe those precious moments really don't exist - all one sided. Maybe I was the one crazy for her, but meant nothing to her.

I read her letters to Kain http://www.letterstokain.blogspot.com/ in detail, saved them to my pen drive and file locker. There is so much in me that is me, and so much that isn't me, and so much that isn't her. Prince of Orion asked her to explain details of the relationship (she dose not, just how much she misses him) and she did not. I can only assume they are not of me...

I need to move on - another step.

But still...

Je t'aime idiot!!!