Yesterday was Gavin's birthday. Decorating the day before was fun... fifty balloons and a series of streamers... I was a little disappointed in the lack of participation and input Amy put into this project but her parents provided a wonderful cake (she did stay on the ground to hold the streemers while I mounted them to the celing. This doesn't make her a bad person - simply and observation). I know Dara would have helped and maybe have stole the project away from me... (kind of a complement) wonderful outcome I'm sure though. She always had so many good ideas and input into his birthday. Last year there was just too much turmoil to execute any of the ideas.
Today after picking Kimmie up from work, we ran into her at her job. Gavin insisted in waiting behind to see her, so we let him while Kimmie and I return to the car. A minute later I walked toward the building the local Papa John's manager Ashley came out to inform me that he is not leaving. I opened the front door, whistled for him and he came to asking to stay longer. I refused to make eye contact with her - I don't know if her eyes remain shallow. It was like she said hi to me, like she waved her right hand up and side to side, asked me how she was doing... but she didn't really... some kind of projection... or just a fantasy in my head?
After about week 2 of f***ing Justin she would complain of suffering from whiplash... the constant things going really good to really horrible and shifting back in forth with us. To avoid future whiplash unless absolutely necessary I act as if she isn't even there - walk by her like a ghost. She would use the "Whiplash" and my manic depression against me alot throughout the remainder of our relationship. The best way to explain this would be lets say someone close, like a mother or a sister or a brother - someone you love and cherish to no end. Now they humiliate and betray you. You still love them, you want the best of the best, and things to work out. You block out the rage... enjoy the relationship and something, some key would come by to open that rage and then back to the fighting. But you want it to work - foreclosure of our relationship runs parallel to loosing your house and car and everything precious with it. You want it to be ok. But that rage just consumes you. She would blame this on me. Even though I know better now... a small part of me feels like a monster. Perhaps she should have considered not f***king Justin in the first place, or let me go before hooking up saving me the humiliation of being dragged thru Jacksonville as the relationship laughing stock.
It deeply angered me that she told her 'Cool Friends' that I had hit her. In my deepest rage in never occurred to me to inflict physical pain. Even after.... About a week after we stopped talking I lost something inside me... I started referring of her as The Bit(h. Also refered to her as Tough Bit(h. When she wanted to give me my stuff back a month later, looking back I suspect she was trying to get back together at some level. At the time I was glad to get it back and knew she had no other reason to get in contact with me and was harsh very with her to an extreme. Her random, "Hey there! How do you like facebook? I like it better than MySpace..." comments insulting - like pretending nothing ever happened. I told her that when she was ready to tell me what happened to enable me to get over this we could 'small talk' but till then leave me and my Facebook page alone.
She closed her Facebook account.
Kimmie treated Gav to Chuck E Cheese for his birthday today. I texted her and asked her if it was ok if I gave Gav her phone number. She never replied. Gav talked about her a bit in the car on the way. Something in his eyes, he still craves that relationship with her. I'm not clear if she would continue to mess with his head or not.
While I was heading home driving on Sweet Air road by the deer hill images of her started returning to my head. Images of her tiny arms and fingers, her eyes... having sex with others but too cool for me. I told myself she is a nothing now, everyone has been with her now - their is nothing special about her. She isn't your problem. She isn't even a cool person - she is a nothing and not your problem anymore. It half worked. Kimmie supplied a kiss and a hug at Harford Rd.
She would love to say, "Too bad, I guess we will never know," when she was trying to make me feel like a monster for destroying her 'First' (as in her sexual awakening) moments. I disagree. I think when the time is right, I will know everything I need to know- so take your "First's" and shove it. I don't want to be in your record book of being your first anything. You don't deserve to be able to cherish any memory of me, or the magic I bring being your first of anything. You're stuck with the memories with the people you fought so hard to be with that pushed you away. You got your 15 minutes of fame and have no idea what to do with the 999,999,999,999,998 other minutes of your life. The second dream makes sense now.
Je t'aime idiot
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